Calgon, my ass... Give peace a chance

Long ago and far away.... how far? Oh, like ten years and six belt sizes ago......  I  refereed 1st and 2nd grade basketball.  These survivors of kindergarten basketball promotion were actually kinda sorta catching on to the nuances, rules, yada yada.

Then, one day I was a little early to my game...... those kiddygarters were on the court playing with one ref...... the Park and Rec guy in charge said "Vic, can you help on this game - we had a ref no show?"   Well sure.

I jumped in midstream and it was a definite eye opener.  In the first three minutes, this one kid had nearly as many yards rushing as the Chief's Kenneth Walker did this past Monday Night Football game.  Yes, you heard that correctly, rushing, not a dribble in sight.

A tent was needed to put around the display of 'basketball'.  Kids were standing still, or, had both arms wrapped entirely around the person they were guarding, or, they were running (with ball) toward the wrong basket... those parents who, years earlier, had been cut from their 8th grade team were screaming "NO SAM!  THE OTHER WAY!"  Most, simply giggled.  A time out had been called. One befugled ref (me) ran up to Park and Rec guy in charge, and said "DEEK?  What do I do?  What do I call?"

"Vic, just get 'em going in the right direction."

Tried.  Did. Kinda.  Then I noticed the kid with all the 'rushing yards' had 36" of shoe string coming out of his way too dang big Jordans........... so........ blew the whistle....  "Will you tie your shoe son."  Mistake. Or so I learned.

The kid's games are played in quarters... Each quarter was.... I dunno, maybe 12 minutes.  The clock didn't stop.  Do you have any idea how long it takes a kiddygartner to tie his shoe?  Uh huh, prolly a 'quarter', or, ten, twelve minutes.  In the young man's defense, he talked his way through it.  'Hold the ends... make an X... tuck one end under... make a 'bunny ear' loop, pinch it tight... - about this time, nervous ref said "Here kid, you're doing fantastic, but this time I'm gonna help you."

Calgon, my ass......... = a kiddygartner lost (or is it kiddygardner, i always forget).. anyways......Staring at his shoes, LOST is the key word.   Blog reader lost (and prolly already gone by now) to "Calgon, my ass"... and, little Johnny making bunny loops, slowly lost in tying his own shoe.

You wrote ALL THAT Victor just to get to a point?  Uh huh.  Sorry, but not really.  Hell it's been so long, I've forgotten how to write.  Whoever said you ever knew how Victurd?  Good point (my ass).....

EVERYTHING. EVERYTHING that's up there in that brain....items among, dealing with weather, HVAC probs, arguing friends, people, frantically opening the Gas Buddy app to help make sure you find the cheapest gas, and, when you do, will that leave you enough to buy Skippy peanut butter....or, will you have to resort to Best Choice.... or, if you drive a Diesel, you're screwed, Always Save brand it is. We look down where we usedta have fingernails... We see our belly runneth over... Watching the News ain't helping...  Cable it too damn high and you've seen every episode of Friends, Andy Griffith and the Brady Bunch, seventeen times. LIFE. IS. STRESSY.

Calgon, my ass.

Somewhere around 5am-ish this morning, all that crap, EVERYTHING, was going thru my brain.  Should I take a nap?  That'll show it. NO. Not no but hell's no, dreams'll just make it worse.  You'll awaken, ask, is this the real life, is this just fantasy, caught in a landslide, no escape from reality- ie, give up, give in, katy bar the door, pack up and go ahead and move into Shady Acres.

WAIT!  I KNOW!  I'll watch Facebook for awhile! I can get lost there!  So I did.  I read a reel or two... got wrapped up in a couple namecalling arguments, nope, move on... and then i saw the donkey.  He was snortin' heeee-hawwww heeee-hawwww, just like you remembered donkey's snort.

The lady farmer owner said "I've got a surprise for him....... she'd bought him a rubber chicken.  Uh huh, what I thought.  I'll be damned, she threw it in the pen... he snorted heeeee-haaaawwwww, picked it up, squeezed it - making that high pitch noise... s'more heeeeee-hawwwwww... he started going in circles, squeezing it with his jaw, squeek squeek squeeek, hee hee haw, over and over and over again.

Soon............. every worry in my brain was forgotten, at least temporarily.  Calgon, my ass... take me away.  And thank you for doing so. 

You may not be a simpleton such as I, and hey, that's ok.  Probably means  you don't worry 24/7 like me, good for you.

When perceived big things in life stress us so, we're only a small, fun thing away from happiness.   Little kids.  Little kids sports...  hee's.. haww's.. circles... Donkey, Calgon, my ass.

 DANGIT, my shoe is untied!  Joke's on you, I started wearing slip-ons years ago.  Clagon, my ass.

Heeeeee Hawwwww... 

Love, Victurd 

Not a dang thing is up to date in Kansas City.........

Save the world........

What's wrong with you kid?  Put your hat on straight....... (Kudos to kid's manager, teammates for having his back.)

Someone call Tony an Uber wouldya?  Mr. Craft, for goodness sakes, use your Amazon Prime, send Mr. York an Amazon Prime Stag movie (Debbie does the Cowboys or sumpin' like that, I ain't never seen a stag movie) and tell him to chill wouldya?

I've seen fire (psychosis) and I've seen rain (a drugged individual that no longer renders the person the person they are/were - at least temporarily) but... murder is murder and I don't think one should see the light of day outside of the institution, ever, again.

And the guy with the formally orange emblazoned orange hair go

Doo, doo-doo, doo-doo,doo-doo-doo 

Doo, doo-doo, doo-doo,doo-doo-doo 

Doo, doo-doo, doo-doo,doo-doo-doo 

Doo, doo-doo, doo-doo,doo-doo-doo 

Doo, doo-doo, doo-doo,doo-doo-doo 

Doo, doo-doo, doo-doo,doo-doo-doo 

Doo, doo-doo, doo-doo,doo-doo-doo 

Doo, doo-doo, doo-doo,doo-doo-doo 

Doo        

 

Stand your ground Mapquest...as far as I'm concerned, America lost their naming rights when they didn't even know the damn name of the horse they rode across the desert. 

 

Thankfully, the SCOM ruled Jerry Mandering could paint by numbers any damn thing he wanted but he was not allowed to rearrange ballot boxes in relation to whatever their Monopoly Street was.

 

Excuse me Sir, are you really going to post this Op-ED. I beg your pardon lady, I ain't got ED AND, I AM NOT A MISOGYNIST!  Are too.  AM NOT!

 

Was no one listening when Lynn Anderson sang "I never promised you a rose garden?" 

 

And the guy with the formally orange emblazoned orange hair go

Doo, doo-doo, doo-doo,doo-doo-doo War's over.

Doo, doo-doo, doo-doo,doo-doo-doo Wait, no it's not.

Doo, doo-doo, doo-doo,doo-doo-doo War's over.

Doo, doo-doo, doo-doo,doo-doo-doo Wait, no it's not.

Doo, doo-doo, doo-doo,doo-doo-doo War's over. 

Doo, doo-doo, doo-doo,doo-doo-doo Wait, no it's not.

Doo, doo-doo, doo-doo,doo-doo-doo War's over. 

Doo, doo-doo, doo-doo,doo-doo-doo Wait, no it's not.

Doo     

 

Hate me if you like....... Blogs are like opines and bellybuttons, everyone has one.    Reflections to pond er.

 

Wow, you got TDS bad. Ahm, no. I think Thomas Disposal Service sold out long ago, now it's Republic Services or something like that. 

 

WAIT!  You forgot Epstein!

 

Ahm, no.  No I haven't. 

 

Almost 6 down, 2 to go.  Be Best you can the next two pretty please? 

 

Take you back............

You can't always get what you want.........

Tired of waiting for you........

Welcome to the Hotel California........... you can check out any time you like but you can never leave......

Clowns to the left............ Jokers to the right.......... Stuck in the middle.........

They say......... WHO Victor, who say?  They say, you can't go back.  Ya don't get 'do overs'.  A card laid is a card played.   Wait for it. Sorry Meatloaf.. now if you could, Walk This Way down the aisle. We spend a crazy time in life, simply waiting.

I call............   bullsh*t.  Victor, please don't cuss.

Bullsh*t Bullsh*t Bullsh*t Bullsh*t.

Second chance?  Dream on...

Bullsh*t Bullsh*t Bullsh*t Bullsh*t.

I do agree on do-vers...  Regrets... Woulda shoulda coulda.

But.............. I watched 'Footie"............  Futbol.............. GOAL GOAL GOAL GOAL......

Futbol gots STOPPAGE TIME.

I never figured out howinthehell (oops, cussed again, sorry, not really, take this blog and shove it)....how they compute stoppage time. Something about 'minor delays and substitutions' there is added time at the end of regulation.

For 47 to salvage his career, reputation, mebbe he could strike a deal to get us all, payback.  Stoppage time.  Time for ALL that time we wasted in life.

Welcome to the DMV, please take this number (42) we'll text you when you're next.  OK, got it. One, large topping, thin crust - it'll be ready in 22 minutes.

"DON'T YOU KNOW WHO I AM?"  Yessir, I do, if you'll notice, there's 103 others in line awaiting being rebooked on the next flight to Cedar Rapids too, so...if you'd be so kind to rapidly return to the backa the line until it's your time.

Construction zone......... Speed limit Fitty.  Damnit, wreck ahead, we're completely stopped, gonna be late to the kid's game, concert, our dinner reservation, your moms, the party, dance, church, weaving class.  BRB, closing that pop-up.

Welcome to Mom and Pops Diner, how many please?  Four. Last name?  Starving.  Thanks, it's gonna be twenty, maybe thirty minutes.

AOL, GOOD. GOSH. GERTY. I'm SO glad we're past that.

Hurry up and wait.

Thanks for calling The Department Of Social Security.  Your anticipated wait is one hour and twelve minutes............. we hope you make it (HA HA HA HA!)..........

Bullsh*t Bullsh*t Bullsh*t Bullsh*t........ , I call............   bullsh*t.  Victor, please don't cuss.

The Golden Years....... We should get paid back for all that dadgum time we waisted, a waiting.

"HONEY?  LET'S GO... We're gonna be late to the Party"........... "Five minutes.. I'll be ready in five minutes."  I knew I shoulda played the back nine.

 

Sir, we watched you walk in... we're very aware and sympathetic of your hip pain, and we've scheduled your hip replacement as is fast as humanly possible, April 7th, 2027.  Here's a script for some pain pills in the meantime.

 

Flat tire.  DAMNIT, coffee allover my pants, I gotta change.  Yes, yes you do Victor, don't cuss and get some new slacks on.

 

Now batting, DAGOBERTO CAMPANERIS....... Damnit, rain.  Tarps coming out.  Hell, Toma's gotta be what? 103 by now? Guess we could grab one'a them $17 beers.

 

If, I'm laying here, worried about getting to work on time, awaiting my alarm to go off... WHY CAN'T I GET TO SLEEP?

 

I want that time back.  I'm 73. I figure I've wasted 19 or so years waiting. That's it. I'm going on vacation. NOW.  

 

Ahm, Victor?  Yeah? Your next Social Security check don't come until the third Wednesday, September 16.  Cedar Rapids will still be there once your check is deposited.

 

I call.......... WE KNOW, WE KNOW WHAT YOU CALL.

 

Too bad, so sad, you'll just haveta wait like all the others. 

 

Let's go to the movie instead.  Hi and welcome to B&B.  Two tickets, a popcorn and two cokes.. .ahm, we'll have  a fresh batch ready in 3 minutes..... WHEN is the movie gonna start?  Victor, they ALWAYS show trailers,  previews, and yes, some ads tossed in.

 

I call.......... WE KNOW..

 

BAND CAMP. LONG AGO. (1970-something.. I could still run, jump, hop.) Wet behind the ears Gate Agent for United Airlines, Kansas City.  My role on that day, feller in a wheelchair awaiting a flight to Des Moines.  He was cranky to begin with, probably 73, had wasted, oh, probably 19 or so years of his life waiting.  Problem was, snow and ice. Both IN Kansas City... as well as Des Moines.  Five, five flights to Des Moines.  One by one, I rolled him, his chair to the Gate for the Next Des Moines trip.... one by one, canceled due to weather.  We got way past the 'smalltalk' point. One last flight of the day to Des Moines. It was a United Express flight... at the very end of the terminal. Rolls we did. After getting him aligned near the door to board...  voice comes on the speaker thingy.. 
"Ladies and gentleman, I'm very sorry to announce... due to the Weather conditions in Des Moines, the airport has closed for the day."................................................

 

Not ten seconds after that announcement, 73 year old grumpy guy turned his head toward me, said, eye to eye, "I KNEW I shoulda flown Delta."

 

Yeah, Delta prolly didn't haveta deal with the snow. 

 

Contrary to FIFA, Pele, Messi, The English Premiere League, we don't get no extra (Stoppage) time in life.

 

Deal wit' it.

 

I call............   bullsh*t.  Victor, please don't cuss.

 

Very quick one.........

Age..........

Emotions.... as in, showing, allowing them to surface...

My father, he of the greatest generation, adhered to the constraints "men don't show emotion."  It was there, always, for he and others..

It took 70+ years, affliction (Parkinson's), life, all added up - before he ever did.  While I very much disliked the health invader. I looked at his added up years, coupled with tears, as a blessing.

By golly, it was in there all the time.

And you?

I, we, are blessed by the 'rings of the tree' we add each year.

I dunno about you - but the clamp on the hydrant of emotion has been very much loosened by the years, past events, love, 'video compilation' of all things, people, past. 

I'll be looking at a photo album... watching a movie that sparks recreation of an era... listening to a song that usedta make me wanna beep and bop - now, become a silent, emotional mess (in a good way)....

I suppose - if we're gonna take the time to snooze, refresh, regenerate, plant the toes on the ground, raise, rinse, renew - we might as well emote too. 

If that's not your thing - I am way cool with that.  Not prescribing, preaching, trying to alter... just here to say, I don't mind 'tearing up' in the least.  In fact, I appreciate it. It ain't forced, I can't hit a lever and it happens, it simply happens - controlled by whatever it is in the brain that relates "Victor, you're lucky to have lived this, appreciated that and the fact it means a lot to you."

If we are here to ingest the entire ball of life's wax (good, bad, indifferent) feel is ok, appreciated - and certainly not confined to the closet.

Tony? F'real?

I decided some time ago, to go on a 73 year scavenger hunt for happiness.  I've noticed, damn daddy, it (can) get tougher year by year.

Ya know damn well, your morning ain't gonna start by spindling and playing that 45 record, Chicken Fat.  Hells to the no's, huh uh.

Ya gots........... one eye on your bankroll.... and, de udder on the going life expectancy stats.  So, you look in the mirror and see Marty Feldman. SEE?  Damn daddy it's hard. 

Gray skies are gonna clear up,
Put on a happy face;
Brush off the clouds and cheer up,
Put on a happy face.

 

Like, I KNOW I KNOW. But, like anything nowadays, howinthehelp are we sposeta know what's real and what ain't?  Old MacDonald wrote an article, AI AI ohhh.  And in the article he quoted somes dudes, AI AI ohhh...  with no author name here and no author name there, here a quote there a quote everywhere a quote quote - but whointhehelp is quoting?

Take off the gloomy mask of tragedy,
It's not your style;
You'll look so good that you'll be glad
Ya' decide to smile!

 

Ya can't believe a THING. Take yesterday for example.  Traditionally, the Saturday closest to August 26 is known as Go Topless Day.  Ha, I hardly paid attention. (Set my alarm for 45 minutes before dawn, showered, ate, strapped my 350 lb test lawn chair to my geezer scooter, and, was on the Square of our smalltown by sun up.  12 hours I sat there, and i didn't even see as much as a Buick La Sabre convertible!

Pick out a pleasant outlook,
Stick out that noble chin;
Wipe off that "full of doubt" look,
Slap on a happy grin!

 

So.... Today is National Cheap Flight day....... Ya think I'm gonna get up and drive to the airport?  Fool me once, but, i ain't no boob.

And spread sunshine all over the place,
Just put on a happy face!
Put on a happy face
Put on a happy face

 

Psychology Today, or Reddit, onea them "Relax,  you ain't going crazy" sites, suggests, force  yourself to say three positives a day.  Ahm, OK. I'll try. To that lady in the silver SUV, the one who was wearing black eyeliner, purplish eyeshadow, who was downing that Starbucks iced expresso (name Donna on the cup). license ⅃Ꭾ7-Sꓞᔭ and tailgated me very close (thus, the eyeliner/eyeshadow/Starbucks comment,backwards plate info) for 7 miles to WallyWorld yesterday... where do you get your brakes done?  (Positive) for surely they must give you a discount for the frequency with how fast they wear out?  Good enough Psycho Today?

And if you're feeling cross and bitterish
Don't sit and whine
Think of banana split and licorice
And you'll feel fine

 

I'm like.... I needta change the headlight on the driver's side of my 2002 Buick Century. So, I pose the question online.  In roughly 7 comments, a guy from Philly is gonna fly to Sacramento to beatup the dude who'd said "NO NO NO, you moron, NOT like that." Tony Bennett.. MUST YOU CONTINUE?

I knew a girl so gloomy
She'd never laugh or sing
She wouldn't listen to me
Now she's a mean old thing

 

NOT MY LINE. I AM NOT a misogynist. ARE TO. AM NOT.  Crap, I never even made it to a 2nd positive statement.

So spread sunshine all over the place
And put on a happy, happy face
Put on a happy, happy, happy face
Oh, come on bubby, smile its your birthday 

 

Of course,  done with tongue in cheek - but I ain't sure if you're looking online where I look... or... listening in public to 'cordial' conversations..  watching the 'this side' News and 'that side' news...

 

Nicety.  Kindness. The Golden Rule. Give me your tired, your poor, your huddle masses breathing to be free.  All, seemingly out the window.  Who let the good out, woof woof woof woof....

 

I jest. Some.  It just seems its getting harder and harder for us to all get along.  Shouldn't be. We, are at fault.  Shouldn't be.

 

ABC, easy as 1, 2, 3.. IF, you can get past one.

 

Love, Victurd 

Clap........

At exactly 9am Central today (you, perty please, check your time zone for safe measure) we are all, supposed to clap. once, and only once.  EVERYONE.. The entire World. No matter the language, lacation, whatever wherever, clap. Once.

"Organizers describe it as deliberately non-political and non-religious: one simple action that does not require a shared language, membership or particular belief."

 The centralized idea is to clap just once, but, groups can continue into applause, but, the synchronized single clap is the minimum desire.

Andrea Bechis, a Turin-born entrepreneur who lives in London, founded the project after wondering what would happen if the whole world applauded at once.  Simply due to online (and offline) tension - it's not meant to solve our problems - but, an experiment to see if a small, shared act can still cut across geography, culture and algorithms that usually divide attention. 

If someone is out in the forest and they clap............ will anyone hear it?

In living rooms similar to Archie and Edith across the land....... if clap happens, will 'she' instinctively get up and get him more coffee?  MISOGYNIST!  AM NOT!  ARE TOO! 

If by chance you're in WallyWorld.......... near, say, the toy department....Clap happens...will 23 My Little Puppy plush toys propelled via that clap sound simultaneously do a backflip, ARRFF, raise their paw?

Are airline galley carts soundproofed, or, could you hear a clap from within? (Do they sanitize them after each use?  WHAT does that have to do with a clap?  Nuttin, just curious)

If you happened to be aboard a heap big airplane, rumor afloat "assassination and missile threat possible", would you clap at 9am? I think my stepson would say "Not no's but hells no's".......

What if you oversleep?  Clap anyway? 

Clap if, you're at church?  Watching a guy on a tightrope? Your opponent is shooting a free throw?  RFK Jr's nurse is just about to inoculate him?

If, you clap early, would that be PE..or... PC?

If, this clap, coincided with a solar eclipse, ya think anyone would miss?

Could you get a ticket for distracted driving if you clapped? 

Short blog.

You're welcome.

No applause......... please.

Love, Victurd 

Happy Trails............ to you..............

AI.

 

That's fancy for Ain'tgotany Idea what to write about...  somewhere amidst the ball of confusion, the dull, very dull, grey, medulla oblongata matter of the gourd, I thought I heard 'Trail' amongst the electromagnetic waves.

 

So, I Googled "Songs about trails".  Good gosh Gertie, there's tons of 'em.  Take me home, country road...... and the Everready 90-something lovable dude, Willie.. On the Road again....... The Long and Winding Road......

 

When you think about it....... trails, paths, highways, byways, Interstates, roads.. ("Roads?  Where we're going we don't need any roads.") Sure Doc, right you are, but, you and Marty got special effects - we on Earth, we got roads, paths... when you think about it... roads, paths HIGHLY IMPORTANT in our lives.. 

 

Lewis and Clark 'cut em'.. (Blazed 'em)..   many followed... Horace encouraged them... all the while Jesse James, Billy the Kid,. Butch Cassidy, even Bell Starr waited by the trails as they were among the first to declare, "I don't wanna work, but I'd like your money perty please" (accompanied by a CLICK)........

 

Army brats, hitchhikers, carnies - ne'er ones to hang their hats anywhere a long time.  (Add to that nowadays, college athletes. Hangnail, "Coach looked at me funny", "Have you seen how cool their uni's are?".."Dad said I really should be the starter.".. "Really, you'll pay me $2,000 more? I'm gone.")

 

Bruce was Born to Run.....  Some, roll outta the womb, like the room, the vibe, the people, place yada - and never step a lick on a path unless its for vacation, or, they're like me and the only irregular path is to Sams where we spend a hunnerd dollars a year to join to save $2 every three months on a big ole jug of Folgers coffee.  Country bumpkins, or simpletons, sumpin, they call us.

 

Dorothy followed her Yellow Brick Road..... Elton, rejecting the false glamour, high society excess, and immense pressure of fame, said "Goodbye Yellow Brick Road" in 1970-something. He done got lost though and kept a movin'. Now, I see at age 79 he's on the Farewell Yellow Brick Road tour.  Can't blame him. 

 

Life is a Highway.  Walk this way.  Travelin' man.   Whilst Canned Heat was'a Goin' Up the Country, Garmin was busy planning to help Dionne Warwick find her way to San Jose.

 

Ray, and many of us poor poor pitiful me men have been told "Hit The Road Jack, and don't ya come back no more no more no more no more."  MISOGYNIST! YOU EARNED IT!  Eh mebbe. Sure, it's a two way street.  After, ya drive, ride, walk the same paths... somehow, it's differ'nt.

 

While good ole Johnny was a movin', singin', praising the fact "I've been everywhere, man... I've been everywhere.." and then he named off 91 places (I was bored, I counted 'em, don't believe me? Try it yourself).. Johnny prolly had matchbook covers to remind him, meanwhile America done been thru the Desert on a horse and, they didn't even know his name.

 

A blonde might tell Seger to "Turn around an go THE OTHER WAY" as he sang Against The Wind.  MISOGYNIST!  AM NOT!  ARE TOO!

 

Fleetwood sang Go Your Own Way but, from what I read they might notta known which specific person or couple at the time they was talkin' to.

 

John Denver wanted the Country Roads to take him home... then, he was a Leavin' on A Jet Plane...... coulda been a Rocky Mountain High, I dunno.

 

Lou Reed was'a wantin to sing Walk On the Wild Side again, but his manager advised he might wait awhile until like the elections are over, and, the WNBA gets this all figured out.

 

Sorry.......... I kinda got off the beaten path.  I really wanted to write about how crucial paths were, are in our lives.  One turn can change a life.  Make a life.  Ya ever sit and wonder "if I hadn't met he, her".. .what I'da done, how would it'a been... if I didn't rent that house... buy that property... pulled over when I did.. how differernt thing mighta been.

 

I love the eternal optimism of someone like Buck O'Neill. "I was right on time."  Good gosh what a happy path he made when the goin' got ugly sometimes. He smiled throughout.  A lesson for us all.

 

OK, time to move along.   Take it Easy.  Might ride the storm out.  Might go into the mystic.  Homeward Bound.  One of my favorite things is a pool with a lazy river.  A path to nowhere so to speak. Kinda gives ya that Peaceful Easy Feeling.

 

Hit the Road Victurd.

 

OK! OK!