I don't know why, perhaps Smitty will die..

 There was an old lady who swallowed a fly

I don't know why she swallowed a fly - perhaps she'll die!

The song could actually end here as there are a kajillion diseases one could get. Not a fan of flies. Ever almost have a wreck because ONE DAMN FLY got in your car and you frantically roll down windows, wave, woosh, swat...think it went out, windows back up, then, after ten seconds of silence.....bzzzzzzzzzzz?.. Bill Cosby (I know, but he was funny) said "October is my favorite month - the flies get slow.".. Tell me you've never walked by one of those fly glue trap things you unwind, hang - AND THEN get your hair in it?...  Whenever I think of the fly, I think of Jeff Goldblum. Eww.

There was an old lady who swallowed a spider,
That wriggled and wiggled and tiggled inside her;
She swallowed the spider to catch the fly;
I don't know why she swallowed a fly - Perhaps she'll die!

Ever do a back bend in the forest when you feel your face planted mid- spider web? I know there are good spiders, poisonous spiders, BUT, like snakes, I ain't takin' the time to figure out which. When I think of spiders, I think of women screaming. Don't tell, me too.

There was an old lady who swallowed a bird;
How absurd to swallow a bird.
She swallowed the bird to catch the spider,
She swallowed the spider to catch the fly;
I don't know why she swallowed a fly - Perhaps she'll die!

Poor bird. A well a everybody's heard about the bird... B-b-b-bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word. Ever have them basta's fly into the glass of your window (again, again, again and again?) Someone said to tape a picture of a human head on the window and it would scare them away - so - I taped the mug of one of our extremely good natured buddies (who we tease unmercifully), worked, and of course I told him he was scary.

There was an old lady who swallowed a cat;
Fancy that to swallow a cat!
She swallowed the cat to catch the bird,
She swallowed the bird to catch the spider,
She swallowed the spider to catch the fly;
I don't know why she swallowed a fly - Perhaps she'll die!

Cat huh? This is kinda like an assbackwards 12 Days of Christmas. Why would you swallow a cat? (Nevermind, don't wanna hear... I still enjoy those buffets vely much.)

There was an old lady that swallowed a dog;
What a hog, to swallow a dog;
She swallowed the dog to catch the cat,
She swallowed the cat to catch the bird,
She swallowed the bird to catch the spider,
She swallowed the spider to catch the fly;
I don't know why she swallowed a fly - Perhaps she'll die!

Poor Fido. Man's best friend, not entre'. Old Yeller, Hooch, Benji, Rin Tin Tin, Lassie, Toto, NO!! (Even though Toto is kinda bite-size ) Deputy Dog, Snoopy, Goofy, Astro. I'm hungry, Scooby Dooby Doo, where are you? RUH ROH!

There was an old lady who swallowed a cow,
I don't know how she swallowed a cow;
She swallowed the cow to catch the dog,
She swallowed the dog to catch the cat,
She swallowed the cat to catch the bird,
She swallowed the bird to catch the spider,
She swallowed the spider to catch the fly;
I don't know why she swallowed a fly - Perhaps she'll die!

Despicable thought, udderly.. Calm down Clara, where's the vegetables? Besides, at $8.99 a pound, the hell would it cost?

There was an old lady who swallowed a horse...
She's dead, of course!

NOOOOOOOOO! NO, not Seabiscuit, Black Beauty, Secretariat? My Friend Flicka? No Belmont, Preakness, KENTUCKY DERBY? Do you realize how hard it might be for a 5'3", 107 lb man to find a job?

Sorry, kinda. I was REALLY bored, just horsin' around.

(Many years ago, we kids lived in a neighborhood next to the local college. There was a college student who would bring his guitar, us kids would gather around and he'd play songs for us like the one above. Scared our parents though, "Be careful, ya never know." Never know what? He was fun, talented and nice. The more he came, the more they worried. They kept saying they thought he was "some kinda funny." One mom even called the cops. They said they couldn't do nuttin'.  Our folks held a meeting at Frank's house. Frank was a friendly enough guy. We used to wave and say Hi when we went to Safeway and he was behind the butcher counter where he worked. Weird, last time we saw college guy singer feller, there was a neighnorhood Block Party/BBQ that night. Meat tasted kinda funny. Smitty even bit into his burger and found a 'pick'.)

Perhaps he'll die.

Love, Victurd