Short one...

Good gosh you're perverted and in titling this I'm probably going against the grain of my own thought, point.

I'm old, I'm grumpy.

Ahm, Victor? Like, we didn't know that?

Ok, ok, my blog reputation precedes me.  

Are you like me?  Good gosh I hope not!  But, (Victor, you can't start a sentence with 'But'.)

But, does it turn your belly like mine to roll up to a four lane traffic light stop, and ya got one car (amongst your car, a car with a mom and two little ones, a car with an (even more) elderly couple and you are 'treated' to MAX VOLUME SONGS WHERE, 'CREATIVELY' EACH, EVERY VERSE INCLUDES AN F-BOMB OR SIX?

Continuing my Walter-like on golden grumpiness... many youths (Damnit Victor, that's discriminatory)...eh, whatever...   many youths, our moral 'cover up' has deminished so, there is no longer a verbal filter where me thinks a filter oughta be in place.

Bar soap has been replaced by fine, sensory, scented body wash, and it might even taste great, hell I dunno.

Victor, just how tall is that pedastol you envision yourself on?

OK, right you are.  I am, somewhat liberal (no, not politically... well I am, but that ain't what I mean here.)  I am somewhat liberal in fun, somewhat dark, KINDA push the R rated envelope, let hair down, enjoy, have fun..... but but but.   It's gone too far.  My opine anyways and yes I know I've done some pretty raunchy, Goofy stuff here, but hopefully i've never meant to offend.

Victor?  Where ya going?

Well, breakfast, then maybe to the gym, pickup some paper towels at The Piggly,  then, to a minor league hockey game.

No, no, no. I mean, where ya going with this blog?

So glad you asked! I've got two nieces I love to brag on.  The youngest one awakens at ugly-thirty as I do, so, we battle each other in Wordle, then relate, 'her day' and I in turn share 'my day.' They are both, of course, a generation younger.

In learning about her, her hubby's day yesterday, she related:

"Then we watched Carol Burnett, the Three Stooges and Scooby Doo in our little TV room, it was nice!"...

Far out!  Even farther out, she added:

"We often say that little room is like a Time Machine...I'm even thinking of decorating it in a 70's theme. Only rule is we can't take any tech/device in there. It's amazing what a distraction that is, with all the beeps and notifications...nice to go back in time, so to speak."

Youngsters (at least to me, and i think most of you),  going back in time.

We, on golden grumpy folk, cannot lay the blame of moral degradation fully upon the lap of the young.  Somewhere along the tug of war life grip, we slipped as well.

Never F... 

Huh?

Never Forget, the ones who stood before us who brought belly laughs without the need to include pungent. Skelton, Knotts, Conway, even more recently, Seinfeld. 

Ok, off my high horse...watch your F...

Feet.

Love, Victurd

Always on my mind....

That's pretty scary ain't it? The thing that sucks about blogging is that I OH SO want to know what's on your mind, but I ain't got no means to access that.

So, once again, you're stuck with me, my mind.

Fred Sanford comes to mind. Whenever I watch a rerun and I see him joltingly stagger, clutch his heart and question "Is this The Big One?" I think we all, all of us old enough to remember crawling under our desks in grade school in the 50's, 60's, 'duck and cover', hopeful salvation from potential nuclear fallout, think about. Is this The Big One?  We're all gonna die, there are just a lot of fill in the blanks regarding same.

I'm also like Fred in mess. He was a junk dealer. Gal I worked with complained and complained about the husband created mess in their garage, it never getting cleaned up, thus, her cell phone was programmed with the Sanford and Son theme song when he called her. My car is a mess. Don't really care, but, it is on my mind. If I ever did have another date it'd be like, "ahm, canya gimme till March? I gotta clean my car out."

And then there's Willie, well his song at least....

Me. After a 7 yr marriage, a 20 something marriage, a couple live in, near misses, certainly has to have blog readers asking, thinking, What in the hell is wrong with him?  Which in turn, of course, weighs heavily, me constantly asking ME, what in the hell is wrong with me.

Victor?  Huh? You talk to much. NO I DONT!  I type too much!

Maybe I didn't love you
Quite as often as I could have
Maybe I didn't treat you
Quite as good as I should have
If I made you feel, oh, second best (you did, you did)
Girl, I'm sorry I was blind

Eh, boring. So, like Romper Room, I see you (enter blog reader names here) and I wonder.. if maybe you think...

Hmmm 5 dealerships.  That line ain't selling well.  This one is.  Scrap one, double the size of the other? Or, sell all, bask in the sun until infinity.  Would I get bored? Sunburned?

I see ______ and he's thinking, should i/we stay in this state, sell one of the houses, or, continue the best of both worlds?

Then there's ______... should we be eyeballing potential forever and a day properties here in Mehico? We could do it now if we wanted. Do we wanna?

I see _______ and her mind, maybe(?) is going "We've GOT to get going on more girls trips while we can! Let's!

Maybe some are..   should we move home, or, is this now our real home?  Maybe, one kid here, one kid there, stay put or uproot?

Long range planning for me is lunch.  I would love to, I think, get a conversion van (or some kinda vehicle where, "here, come sleep in our Cracker Barrel (or WallyWorld) lot." That's on my mind, lots, probably never will do it. (I'm reminded over 30 years ago I overheard "Victor is a bullshitter", and that, ah.. is always on my mind.

Ain't words impacting?  You ever had a verbal tattoo? That's when someone is not very complimentary and, right Willie(?) It's always on your mind?  I gotta shoebox full that I frequently pull one out and box myself.

Victor, you're weird. That don't bother me. I like me. Not overly, but I do.

You were always on my mind
You were always on my mind

Money. I think money is on a lot of our minds and in varying ways. More, more, more, or maybe oh please last long enough until I have my Fred Sanford clutch my heart moment.

When you were always on my mind
You were always on my mind

Tell me
Tell me that your sweet love hasn't died
And give me
Give me one more chance to keep you satisfied
I'll keep you satisfied

Still with me?  I don't 'always on my mind' think like that...about 2nd go's. HECK, three aren't even on Earth any longer.

Victor you'll regret this blog.

Nah, either ya like me or ya don't.  I love life. I don't like worry but, I think we all do it. Honest, I don't have guilt from my past. Sure, "coulda, shoulda done better."  Can't help about the shape I'm in I can't sing I ain't pretty and my legs are thin. That. Don't bug me.

Little things I should have said and done
I just never took the time
But you were always on my mind (you were always on my mind)
You were always on my mind
You were always on my mind (you were always on my mind)
You were always on my mind

A mind is like a parachute, it only works when it's open.

"The mind is everything. What you think you become."  

 Buddha

Wonder if Buddha had ex gf's? Hindsight that got stuck in his brain? Itchy itchy rashes?

Blog reader you are always on my mind but, I'm blind to your thoughts about Your thoughts.

Life ain't necessarily all about who you gave (or received) the One HUGE Valentines Day card in the package. If yours is, I'm truly happy for you.

Peggy Gross, 2nd grade. Now she'll be added to the list of Always on My Mind.

On the road again. I can't wait to get on the road again.

Victor, that's bullshit, you'll never do it.

Damnit Jim, that hurt. Just kidding.

Love, always, Victurd

Smooth...

Smoothie. Wedgie yes, smoothie, no, ain't never had one.

Life, I spose, is better when smooth.  Smooth sailing.  Sitting beside a lake, there ain't no wind, glasslike. Calm, yum.  Just does something appealing to the innards.

Victor, no bumps. Positive, smooth. Satin. Glass. Jelly. Tomato. Paper.

Satin is smooth?  Sounds hot, bumpy bubbly to me... and glass?  Paper?  CUTS!  Hey, this blog is about smooth.... chill kemosabe, we're talking smooth today..  chip chip cherio!

Smooth as a baby's bottom...  a cue ball... a bald guy? Sure! Why not!.. oil... velvet.. ice.. porcelain..  whipped cream... pool table... 

A marble. I once knew a wise guy that would offer "He/she, sharp as a marble." Baby swallers a marble... i reckon you sit by that smooth bottom and wait it out.

Happening without any sudden changes, interruption or difficulty.  Our flight was smooth.  Our marriage, basically, has been perty smooth.

Tasting pleasant.... coffee, yum.  many say burgundy, bourbon, fine as wine... 

Complexion.  Is there anything more appealing than a beautiful (or handsome I reckon) complexion?  I winged a comp recently at a lady... Clumsily said "skin"... meant, beautiful complexion..  she didn't swat me so I guess I was ok... she also mentioned "As much as I spend on it".... I too think genetics plays a huge role.

Blend them mashed taters 'til they're smooth........ really smooth.....

Smooth talker... very polite, confident, able to persuade people, but in a way that is not sincere... NO, please NO, say it ain't sooooo-Olsteen. VICTOR!  We are here for smooth.. relaxation... play that classical music white boy...   HEY, HE was the one that wouldn't let hurricane victims in his big shrine... OK, I'll behave.. .things will be smoother. PrOmIsE.

Smooth over...  smooth something out... 

We all... all... drive over, into potholes.  Naps lend huge wrinkles to our face... As do time, finance, wind, rain, sleep, lack thereof, loss, illness, tribulations of fellow man, woman... golf balls find their way out of bounds, into creeks, lakes.  Even with GPS, we can get lost.

Tis said, bumps in the road no matter what ya drive.

Much........ much goes into a smooth life...  Victor, is THIS where you preach?  Oh no olsteen.. justa observation or twelve.

Kindness. Smile.  Compliments.  Touches.  Notes that have few words but have a ton of wonderful impact. Embrace.  Saying, when saying needs said, and... the ability to know otherwise, when not to say.

Much, much makes things smoother.  Onea them dry wall thingies.. an iron...  a heart to heart.. sometimes it's as simple as "I'm sorry" and "Me too" can be.  Hugs, tears.  I love you's.  I've missed you. 

Smoothness, like life, can be easily interrupted, changed.  I reckon that's why we oughta appreciate it, note it... when things are smooth.  Some things, past, can never be smoothed over.  Maybe that's not inclusive for us all..  I guess best we can do is not repeat the process...

I, we, have soooooooooooooooooo many friends that are so doggone smooth.. ripples, hailstorms, don't cause em to bob much...  I think it's ok to envy them.. .mebbe try to emulate them.  Thank goodness for the smooth people in life..  they make our own layout that much smoother...   a good boss... a good friend... a wunnerful BFF... THE perfect mate... 

PB&J.  Creamy peanut butter (I'd put some peanuts on mine, tyvm!)... A Modelo Negra (ifn's you enjoy an occasional beer, try that one.  Smoooooooth)

Smooth as a cheese grater..  huh?  Oh, OK, I guess..   the course of true love never did run smooth (yep, and a gained appreciation for those times it IS running smooth... ).. 

Smooth is beautiful.............. like you.

Love, Victurd

Roll one's eyes....

We can GPS 'Normal', and sure, the only place it takes us is Normal, Illinois.  Nifty University there.... but, I'm of the ilk, normal is elusive, huh uh, ain't such a thing, place. Life is one snowflake after annuder.

What makes one roll one's eyes, might be normal for another. How so you ask? 

Well, let's use Fred Arbanas for example.  Victor?, you've told that one. Eh, go ahead, roll your eyes,  it's what I, old people do. Pete and rePete stuff.

Fred was a fine, All Pro tight end for the KC Chiefs. Victor, ain't that normal? Well, one exception. He had a glass eye due to an attack. Sometime after, he was bonked pretty hard in a game, eye popped out (a genuine eye roll), play was stopped, all 22 players (43 eyes) got on hands and knees, ultimately found his glass eye.

Fred stuck it in his mouth to clean it, popped it in his socket, 'play ball.'

One astonished ref, thinking, that ain't normal, told Fred "You are one tough sonofagun.  You ever stop and think what would happen if something happened to your other eye?"  

"Oh, that's easy", he countered, "I'd become a ref." (Roll your eyes here.) He asked for it, he got it, Toyota.

Covid. "Can't wait till we get back to normal."

Ha.

Nature, nurture. Two offspring, sooooo different. One normal.... or... is it the other way around?

Dog bites man. No eye roll. Guy rides an ATV nekkid on major city Interstate in rush hour, normal?  "That's weird man", said the guy who climbed The Trump Tower with suction cups.

Good Housekeeping pitches in with weird things people do.

Shave their toes. Nuh uh. Uh huh.

 

Pick their nose.  Ahm, that's snot abnormal..

Pee in the shower.

Guilty aren't ya?

Check under your bed or behind the shower curtain to make sure no one's there.  THAT'S CRAZY! (I do it every day/night.)

Found a dude, mebbe a dudette I dunno, on Yahoo who said "I dress up in a ball gown I found at Goodwill and drink tall boys while doing puzzles and listening to murder podcasts."  Makes ATV guy, suction cup guy sound normal.

A trip thru Best Buy might seem normal...unless you're Amish.  

Harvesting corn is normal, unless you get allergic smelling hay.

Jack Nicholson is normal it's his characters that ain't.

You're in squatter #3 at QuikTrip and the guy in 4 says "Hi, howya doin?" Roll eyes here?

Blizzard.  It's normal for Facebook to have over a thousand 'bloopers' daily.  Wouldn't that make them normal then?

An airline middle seat. Clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right, here I am, stuck in the middle with you.

Kinda uppity aintya Victor? I bet you pick your nose and pee in the shower don't ya?

No hablo Ingles, and I've NEVER shaved my toes tyvm.

Size, shape, color, language, likes, dislikes, education, edjumacation, tall, short, average (is there such a thing), eating habits, innie, outie, blonde, brunette, redhead, bald. (I was SO pissed when I was 16 and got my drivers license, I looked at 'hair' and it said BLD...ahm, excuse me, I AM NOT BALD!)

I'm just a common man, I drive a common van, my dog ain't got no pedigree.

Unique, just like you. Snowflake. #294 in line at the DMV.  A Lottery auto pick please.

OK, I'm off. (Victor, we knew that.)  Funny haha.

I'm off to drive slow, bitch at the Government, or, about the weather, bursitis, do a pee pee dance, or, to the diner where I might borrow a line from my uncle..."Can I have a little sugar?"

Pervert!  Ain't it prevert?  

Have your normally fun day.

Bloggers are weird, pee in the shower (after they've checked behind the curtain)....

Just like you. 

By Henry Gibson

Eye rolls by:  Elaine, Aunt Linda, Taystee, Stephanie Tanner, Clair Huxtable and Liz Lemon

Love, Victurd

Blizzard...

What to do, what to do.

For those of us, 'stuck in the middle (of blizzard) with you.... I don't know what I'm gonna do.'...

Learn a foreign language. It's said, Spanish, Dutch and Norwegian are the easiest to learn.

Now, if you're like me, one, I will pray for your sorry butt, and two, once I've spent an hour or so because I HAVE TO withanyone, I get itchy, cranky, "please, getthehell outta here, but, have a nice day."

With concentrated Babbel effort, you can (smile, and) say things like 'Siempre pensé que eras un idiota', tell them it means "I'd pick only you to go to the Iditarod with - when really, in EsPanol you're telling them 'I've always thought you were an idiot.'

Mean, maybe, but then you could smile, flash the heart sign with your hands and say 'Kom er overheen', which, kinda sounds like 'come over here', you know, maybe to watch a movie, play Uno (that's 'one' in Spanish), but actually Kom er overheen means "Get over it" in Dutch.

Maybe you'd start to feel guilt, so then I reckon you could (again, smile, then) say 'ta en lang spasertur fra en kort brygge' which, I don't really know what it sounds like, but, in Norwegian means 'Take a long walk on a short pier.'

Or, I guess you could play Solitare, Farmville (geez, remember those requests) Sudoku, or,  Mahjong (supposedly helps us old farts keep our brain status quo (skeery, ain't it.)

We could, rearrange the spice rack... blindfold ones self, open the junk drawer, grab something within,  holler and play "Whats this?"

Listen to, watch, eleven straight hours of "Don't go anywhere", so, take a spin. Or, walk the dog. If you do, take a baggy. For poop of course right Vic?  No, mix up some Icyhot and Vaseline, put it in the bag in case Fido has a 'Flick-like' accident with a fire hydrant. Well, not exactly like, but, you know.

Paint the spare bedroom, watch it dry.

Get out that 1,000 piece puzzle and complete it now that you found the last piece when you were blindfolded, stuck hand in junk drawer and hollered "what's this?"

Listen to Alice's Restaurant, five times. In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida, 12 times. Play it backwards.

Thread 7 needles since you have the time and you won't have to do it in a frenzied hurry next time.

Call Dairy Queen and ask "Any truth to the rumor Blizzards are BOGO?"

If your electricity goes out, grab all the goodies in the freezer, put em in a trash bag in the trash bin outside. Hell, they ain't coming for two weeks anyways.

Play Pong. With your Pirate Patch on.

Create a new, lookalike Facebook page. Invite all your present friends. It's hella quicker to check in on buddies versus texting, calling or emailing them.

Call Uber and see what they'd charge to take you to your next door neighbors.

Hide your dog's tennis ball in the junk drawer, then holler "Go get your ball!" excitedly.  I'm teasing, I'm teasing!  But, you could do it in Spanish 'Ve a buscar tu pelota', Dutch 'Ga je bal halen' or Norwegian '

Gå og hent ballen', that wouldn't be mean. I mean heck, they rotate their head mosta the time to English anyways.

Could exercise, clean, breakout that tooth whitener junk you bought two years ago.

Nah.

You could..   drink WAY too much coffee.

Nah.

Or, I guess you could blog.

That's the stupidest idea yet.

Love, Victurd 

Putt putt..to the...... Piggly Wiggly?

Winter.

It's coming.

Actually, for most of us, it's here.

You there. You there, close to, on, The Gulf, Atlantic, Pacific, Cortez, yada... pacifically dayum Sunny points - You ain't immune. The Winter of life is ahead for us all (we hope.) That ain't a forecast. It's an edict.

Yes, a brief snippet of 'real' Winter is ahead here upon us in the Midwest. Snowmageddon some are calling it.

This time of year, we, used to it, but still, as if someone set a big heaping helping of liver and onions infronta us, SNARL.  Dayum snow plows abound.  The antonym of Spring's Robin.

We race to the Piggly as if it's Black Friday and fitty-five inch big screens are $99.99, line up here.

Me personally. I'm taking my baseball bat. Thataway, if another old fart Joe Cocker like me heads for the last motorized cart, "Saaawiiinnng batter batter". No, I wouldn't, but I might threaten as if I'm in the on deck circle.

Aisles and aisles of mostly emptiness- most all that remains are $5.99 loaves of patooey bread, almond milk, and heaven forbid, name brand hella overpriced peanut butter.

My list has "cheapy gloves"...well sir, there ARE some welders gloves left for $39.99... and windshield washer fluid.  Haha, we ran outta them on Thanksgiving.  Bic lighters. Check the BBQ aisle sir, there may be onea them long ones left. Ice scrapers? HAHAHA, YOU FUNNY MAN!

So, I place all my 'necessities' on the scanner, put em in one future trash bag (I'm a tightwad, that's what I call em) and I set a new, personal plastic bag record of $72.13 in my single bag.

Victurd, might I suggest, this all ain't fun.

BINGO.  Mebbe the point, to Winter.  Winter in the real - I briefly curse you'ins on Sunny Beaches....and, the Winter of life. 

I reckon, the main point being, if Winter hits, we are damn lucky to see it, live it.

If you, are like me..  and FB memories pop up, a smile happens, then ya read the comments, the names, the happy memories pop up of those that didn't get much past Fall. Sucks.

Bring it on snow, freezing rain. I've got welding gloves to scrape ma' damn winders.  I know my bones will creak, but hell they do already anyways.

If I don't slide off the road before I get to Piggly it's hoped I run into buddies there for a Winter of life chat. (Hi Charlie! Say, do you really need that $1.69 Great Value loafa bread?)...

I jest. Usually only on Tuesdays, but sometimes spills over on other days.

Today, I am thankful to be alive.  Channel 9 weather dude, ty for your work. I promise not to curse you if we only get a dusting. I might only cuss you once (or twice) if we get over 12 inches and we're stuck inside for a week.

Either way, think of all the golf balls I DIDNT hit in the woods throughout this crap.

Long live us all. And if we are lucky enough for that to happen, we might as well smile, enjoy.

Victor? Done preaching? (Remember dude, I gotta baseball bat.)

Excuse me sir, I've just got one item, mind if I checkout ahead of you?

Sorry lady, then I might miss the start of Wheel of Fortune.

Watch the Wheel. And life.

Mr. Whoverinthell you are that replaced Mr Sajak, I'd like to buy a vowel, a $1.69 loaf of Great Value bread, a pair of those cheap brown .99 cent gloves, and, a better (more appreciative) disposition.

Ah, you go ahead lady, I gotta pee. Vanna will be there forever. I hope.

Damnit darnit. I slipped, fell whilst carrying my $73+ bag in. Might as well celebrate it, make snow angels while I'm down here. Life, especially long ones, is/are, good.

Hey.... could you give me a hand up?

Love, Victurd

Abby Normal.... ?

Or, as some might shout, "I call BS Victurd, it's TMI!"

Eh whaddeva, that don't upset me. 

As a single person, there is no "running this by you to see if you think I'm nutso."

So, you're stuck with me running this by you.  Of course, I swear (infrequently, I swear)... I swear, I wouldn't get upset if you used the mouse and clicked the 'X' in the ULHC (that's, Upper Left Hand Corner for you shorthand gators.)

Why, oh why, do I spend an ordinate (or would it be inordinate) amount of time on things, interests that I know will never happen?

Back to the 'single, no one to run it by'...  you there. You can glimpse inside the brain of your significant, or, BFF or whoever is the closest to you and tell them "That's crazy?", or, maybe comfort them with "I can understand why you do that, feel that way." Converely, they can eyeball,  play shrink on you, your thoughts, ideas.

Inoherwords, and these are 'other' words, I can't see in your brain, but, I 'take all the clothing off my modula oblongota' (I type too damn much) so you can see mine.

I guess perhaps I'm backhandedly asking (hoping?) "Are you weird like me?"

Victurd? Examples please.

I look, every day, and twice on most, for an RV, conversion van, small pull behind camper so I can get the hell outta Dodge... forever.

All the leaves are brown (and the sky is grey)....BUT, BUT, I no likey renting, I ain't greatly fond of present living situation, so, up, up and away in my beautiful balloon (camper thingy) my problems are solved.

HA! Wanna buy some swampland?

I DO love independence,  I DO love scenic, there is SO much I've never seen.

Then.

Reality sits in. I'm a white knuckles, speed limit is my max, get offa my ass..  I'm 72, suffice to say, my eyes ain't getting better with age... and.

That moment I'm finally parked, lights out, I would be Kramer/Barney Fife nervous someone would rob me, harm me, take whatever little I have. Even Barney one ups me, he's got his bullet. I don't, won't carry.

Besides, with no physical Addy for the USPS, how would the hearing aid companies, burial plot sales reps, extended warranty people find me?

Is that your only weirdness Victor?

How long ya got?

I'm in love with Alaska, homesteading, folks who live off the land. If I ain't watching sports, my TV is dialed to the AK shows on Discovery, Homestead Rescue, 'Bush living' reels on FB, that.

And, that's weird because?

Ahm, I'm 72. Afflicted. Elvis would hate me (I've never shot or eaten a rabbit - or any critter)...  the thought of eating anything that ain't outta the meat aisle at The Piggly Wiggly makes me wanna upchuck. Besides, I hate the cold.

Ahm, OK. Done?

No.  Close your ears, I like 'Falling in love.' I do so, but usually only on days that end in Y.

I fall for smiles. Niceness. Positive outlooks (rub off on me perty perty please). Eyes, lips, dererriers (forgive me Father.)

Victurd, are you REALLY gonna hit 'publish', then 'share to FB'?  Uh huh, am.

A Cliffsnotes shrink might say "Victurd, you spend time enjoying things you'll never have because you suffer from Fear of Failure. That is, if you never jump, you'll never come crashing down.

Thanks, I think.

If you care to share, am I the only one with weird thoughts, weird brain? I'd promise not to laugh if you shared some facet of something your brainwaves might wave at.

In keeping with the musical touch of this blog, tune in next time when we dissect, and further inspect, Patsy Cline's Crazy (as well as Victurd's)

They're coming to take me away ha ha, they're coming to take me away, ho ho, ha ha, hee hee..  to the funny farm where life is beautiful all the time...

Ahm, ok, cool.  Will I be camping?  Have a wood stove?  Are there perty women there?

Love, Victurd