Paperback writer........ ?

Landry thought he pretty much had life figured out. He got his pencil and paper out and wrote:  Happy, Sad, Life, Death.

That's perty much it ain't it? He thought about adding taxes to the list - but tax would already be contained in sad wouldn't it?  Sure there's happy in taxation (better roads, finer schools, assistance for those truly truly in need) but, the basic gist of taxes seem to be a topic only bemoaned by the old dudes that gather every morning for coffee at the Piggly Wiggly, or, the constituents up there in DC. So, he left off taxes.

Landry was in, basically, the time of his life.  He'd just turned 65, "Go to Hell Blue Cross Blue Shield Bankrupt Me, I'm on Medicare now."  He'd retired "Thanks, but take this job and shove it, I ain't workin' here no more."  He was a sports nut, "Yippeeee, I get into ALL the High School games, plays, yada at NO CHARGE because I'm a geezer!!"

So, with time to twiddle thumbs, nap whenever in the hell he wanted, go face the world, whenever in the hell he wanted - he played around on the Internet.  One day he saw.......

"Free college tuition for Seniors" at the local community college. He had zero desire to employ again one day... no want for math (yuck), science (fix my body please but I ain't here to learn howya do it), then he saw "Creative Writing."

Hell to the yeah, THAT's what I want.  I want to be a paperback writer.  Rings a bell eh Paul?

First day of class.  There were saggers.  Folks who, if they continued to get tattoos at the pace they were on, and their skin was like a sheet of paper - well, they'd need a new sheet of paper by the time they were 40.  A preppie here or there, some very quiet folks, and some chit-chatters from the get go filled the chairs. Landry, divorced, kinda hoped he'd be plopped in a desk adjacent to a 62 year old blonde, rich, hard of hearing, doesn't speak English.  No such luck.  He sat, peeked over the neon pink and green tress of the gal infronta him to see the chalkboard..

Ms. Dudley walked in.  He's seen her name on the paperwork he'd received a couple of weeks ago. 40-something, he hoped that he could learn something from her, that she wouldn't single him out (but he really didn't give a rats if she did, embarrassment was a word from his past) and, that Dudley could DoRight in learning him a thing or two about writing.

She was enthusiastic, but not like a cheerleader, very pretty, but, not like a cheerleader... read the class rules, goals, and told us what'd take to pass her course.  A bit more gobble-de-goop. Got some chalk and wrote on the board "First assignment, please tell me who you are, a tad about you, and the purpose you're taking this course for."  OK.

Landry drove home, plopped in bed for a nap (He had a baby headache. It was a 26 minute commute, some asshole tailgated him for 14 minutes or so, he'd slowed down to 23mph, then, thought better of it, like "He might have a gun, back to speed limit.")

"My name is Landry, which, I know it's usually a last name, but my folks gave it to me as the first.  I done did my time in the working world doing this and that, I'm 65, one son, three of the best looking grandkids you ever seen.. I'm happy, life's been - not perfect, but perty damn good, and I wanna write. Not real sure why, just do.  So there ya have it. Who I am, a tad about me (and my gorgeous grands), and why I'm here.

"I'm Preston, my folks own a successful business, I'm in line to take it over one day, dream of living in Hemlock Place (Preston didn't disclose, but it's an uppity uppity sub-division) and I want the writing part so I can communicate satisfactorily with the underlings of our company."

"Charlie here.  I played high school football, and I'm here to play college football. I'll be honest, I need 16 hours, and I taped the list of all the courses on the wall, threw darts, and bingo, one landed on 'Creative Writing/Dudley."

Neon hair gal had written "I'm Charlinda, which, Charise was one of my grannies, and Linda was the other, thus the name. I work at the Minit Mart, my child's biological father doesn't pay child support, so, my mom and dad are helping me with this so I can hopefully make better money, in turn making it easier for my three year old and I."

Day #2.  Ms. Dudley had done this a time or seven.  She'd seen basically every story that was turned in before, except for Landry.   She'd never had an old fart 'take the college up' on their offer of free tuition.  She figured most older ones to be on the porch swing, readers on their noggin', crossword puzzle in hand, Golden Acres types, and she was actually kinda perked by Landry's 'want'.

Bottom line, ie, assignment #2, "Tell me about life."   Landry took the less traveled backroads home so no one would ride his damn tail, did the mandatory plop in bed, forty winks thing - then headed to the old laptop with the trusty Windows 7 in it.

"Life.  Well, ya start out, there's folks gathered all around.  It's hella dark, but really comfy, you can push and kick, but only a little bit.  Then, it's like going down an aluminum slide on a cold day, ie, ya don't stick, you slide dammmmmmmmmmmmmn fast.. ya see "BRIGHT LIGHTS", and the first thing that happens is they spank your butt.  If ya knew how to talk, you'd say "Hey, I didn't do nuttin!' But, ya don't, so, ya chalk it up as 'I guess this is how life is.'

"Then, I don't remember much early.. then ya go to school, and don't shoot me Ms Dudley, I don't remember much about that because I spent 13 years staring at and dreaming about Sarah.  She was like a porcelain doll. Unblemished beauty.....

"Graduated, worked at I-Hop, Mickey D's and the bowling alley.. then, a buddy got me on at the print shop..40 years later, here I am.

"Truth be known, I'm still learning about life. I one day finally 'caught/tackled' Sarah. Did the til death do we part thing, then things went kapoopey after so many years.. we shoulda worked it out, didn't, thus I'm divorced, and while I admit to be 'still-a-lookin', I'm OK if coupledom never happens again...

"Life?  Life is blessed.  Gimme a friend with a gorgeous smile any old day.  Show me a little kid and I will have a gorgeous smile following their antics.  Pick me up a 'canardly tell' what kinda dog breed it is from the pound, and his tailwag will be all the blood pressure medicine I'll ever need... I like me some cats too, Sarah taught me to. Owned a few. Don't shoot me, kinda remind me of (some) women,  Never know what they're thinking.  They ain't impressed by/with you, and they basically do whatever it is they want....  

"I love, golf, sports, pulled pork, nice derrieres in leggings (hey, you asked!).. cash in my wallet, beer in my fridge, texts from friends in my cell phone, ain't none of it necessarily in that order. Boils down to, I'm a simpleton. The end, Landry.

Class #3.  It looked like one or two had already dropped out.  There was a pair that looked like, they kinda liked each other and hanky panky was to be in the air.  One guy slept.  Two gals compared their manicures, and Landry actually chit-chatted with neon gal, and dadgum, she was pretty nice.

Next assignment. "Tell me about Death."

2 be continued. Maybe.  A wanna be Paperback writer...

Love, Victurd