Ebenezer's parents, Caesar and Deezer, understood Eb may be subject to teaser Geezer barbs that asscociate their son to the cold hearted miser of "A Christmas Carol" fame - but, they knew, anyone that read the entire novel, or watched the entire movie - would come full circle to see just how wonderful of a heart 'Ebenezer' actually had.
In spite of 'the end of the movie' transformation, poor Eb lived life extremely squeamish. He basically worried about any, everything.
Once, he had an itchy, itchy rash. So........ he went directly to WebMD.com, learned "if you have a fever with the rash, go directly to the ER." Or, "it could be the result of an allergy to a medication and some medication allergies can become serious, if breathing becomes difficult, go the the Emergency Room or call 911 ASAP."
Holy guacamole.
Eb had the biggest, comfiest ole bed there ever was - but... virtually every night, if he lay beneath two comforters, he still couldn't sleep, felt like he was Geezer in a freezer. This made him fret, so he grabbed another pillow and became a 2 pillow squeezer. Insomnia. He Googled it. "In a 1989 study, research pointed to a direct link between sleep deprivation and and death." The study found that "total, prolonged sleep deprivation inevitably leads to death in rats." HOLY SLIMY RODENT BREEDER, it's soon to be death for me, Ebenezer.
Thus, he rolled back over. He would neva, eva, after that day, that night, go a day without a minimum of 8 hours sleep. In fact, Geezer's sleep got deeper, he developed an affinity for naps, they were now a keeper.
"Could I be sleeping too much?" The squeamish Eb would run past his brain...... This time he tried Ask.com....... "It's true a good night's sleep is essential for health, but oversleeping has been linked to a host of medical problems, including diabetes, heart disease and increased risk of death." GREAT CAESAR'S GHOST! (Not you dad).. IFN'S I HAVE TO, THIS GEEZER WILL UN-PRY MY EYELIDS WITH A TWEEZER!
It all gave him a tummy ache. He'd awaken and ask, "Did I have enough sleep, or too damn much, I guess this would resemble marriage, for Geezer, impossible to please her!"
He tried foods from the freezer... chopped up meat finely with a cleaver.. downed water bottles like a geyser... Worry worry worry, Geezer couldn't catch a breather... so... he went to (this time) Bing. "Should I be worried if Geezer's tummy is always queasy?"
Bing said "Abdominal pain, also known as stomach ache, is a symptom associated with both non-serious and serious medical issues." Geezer thought "Well that's a teaser, please tell Ebenezer something to calm me, make me a deep breather. What the heck could be serious about a belly ache?" (more)...
"Appendicitis, perforated stomach ulcer, pancreatitis, ruptured diverticulitis...." STOP! I'M GOING BACK TO SLEEP! AHM, NO, I'M GETTING UP! HOLY JEEPERS, I'M GONNA GO HAVE ME A REEFER!"
So Eb smoked pot. He was in a state of panic, but he also happened to live in a State where it was legal, and sold on damn near every corner like Fried Chicken. He tried a gummy. "Wow did I sleep good!" "Oh sh*t! Too much?" There's no escape, so he went back to his vape. And joints. And gummies that actually did help his belly but disrupted his sleep so he tossed 'em. S'more pot.
OH NO! I'M ADDICTED! NOW WHAT? (Someone told Geez "Try the search engine DuckDuckGo, it's pretty good." So he did. "DuckDuckGoose, er, I mean DuckDuckGo, can marijuana kill me?" "In 2018, a teenager died of dehydration due to cannabinoid hyperemesis syndrome (CHS). CHS is a condition that can occur in regular cannibus smokers and causes insomnia, nausea, vomiting and abdominal pain." HOLY GATEKEEPER, ME, EBENEZER GEEZER IS DOOMED, FINITO, A ONCE EAGER BEAVER, MY WOES ARE GETTING DEEPER AND DEEPER."
He neva, eva smoked pot or had a gummy ever after.
All was going pretty good. Oh, he'd get a tad tired. Would take a nap, then remind himself, 'damnit Geezer, git up" so he did.. An occasional rash, nuttin' a little salve from the WallyWorld pharmacy section couldn't cure.
Then he pooped. Again, and again.
And again. For days. "Jeepers creepers, is Eb gonna be a keeper? Screw Google, WebMD, Bing, DuckDuckWhatever, I'm going to my old standby Yahoo. "Yoo-who Yahoo... can diarrhea kill me?"
Eb didn't show up at church that Sunday, which was not unusual because he didn't go to church. He didn't make it to Yoga class on Tuesday though, nor his Transcendental Meditation group on Thursday. He only went to the bars on Fridays (fear of Cirrosis of the liver Google had taught him.) "Nope, not there Friday" said his friend Wheezer.
Ebenezer Geezer ALWAYS, every Saturday afternoon, went to dinner at Caesar and Deezer Geezer's house.. He didn't this particular Saturday. Caesar called the non-emergency police line, asked for them to do a welfare check on Eb.
They did. Not good. There on the computer (Yahoo to be specific).. "Despite reductions in infectious disease mortality in the US, diarrhea deaths on the rise."
Of course Caesar and Deezer were devastated. They accompanied Ebenezer's worries of woe his entire life. Rashes. Insomnia. Oversleeping. Abdominal pain. Pot trial and error. Finally, diarrhea.
A fitting ceremony, burial was held. They (Caesar and Deezer) were ready for a breather.
Days later the coroner's report made it to their mailbox. Great Caesar's ghost, they'd finally know what brought Ebenezer's demise. A seizure? A fever? Deep gash from a cleaver, a bleeder? A coronary? Is the scoop the poop? What, on Earth, was this life cheater?
At the bottom of the letter.......... the coroner's proclamation:
Cause of death:
"The internet."
Victor, what a shitty blog. Sorry, kinda!
When you're sliding into first and you feel something burst, Diarrhea! Diarrhea! When you're sliding into third and you feel a juicy turd, Diarrhea! Diarrhea! When you're sliding into home and your pants are full of foam, diarrhea, diarrhea! When you're sittin' in a Chevy and your pants are feeling heavy, Diarrhea!
Love, VicTURD
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