Bottoms up..... A geriatric shot...

Awhile back, I was refereeing 1st and 2nd grade basketball...running clock, they actually didn't even keep score (still, somehow didn't stop moms, dads and cranky, doting grandparents from hollering at us refs.) I noticed one of the kiddos shoes became untied. Fearing he trip and fall (OK, you're right, visualizing him going head first into the bleachers, LITIGATION), I blew my whistle for him to tie his shoe. I forgot, kids this age are not adept at doing so,  I saw him proudly, grab the laces, make an 'X', struggle to wrap the top lace under the bottom lace, and in making the first loop awkwardly with his unpracticed fingers - I knew someone had to run and help, or, we'd spend the entire 32 minutes of the running clock, watching six kids tie their shoes.

The point being, they don't really know how to, so, prayers, thanks and kudos to patient parents, kiddygarden teachers, den leaders everywhere.

Susie, shortly after awakening, washing her face, applying her Clearasil, suddenly stopped remembered, then RAN downstairs skipping the final three stairs in her excitement, into the kichen she sprinted, announced "IT'S MY 15TH BIRTHDAY!! HAND OVER THE CAR KEYS POPS!" Well, we all know that ain't exactly how it works. Someone's gotta learnya first. Unless you're 13, summoned to hop-on the John Deere to plow the soybean field, ya GOTTA take Driver's Ed.

There's learnin', teachers, Google, YouTube videos, Online class, libraries, WebMD, 'struction for EVERYTHING nowadays. I even found a site that helped me reduce losing in blackjack from 76% of the time, to only 63% of the time.

But...

There I was...I was taken to a place... the hall of mountain kings... OK, it was actually Starlight... to see Robert Plant...

It'd been ten years since I'd been. It was cinchy back then... But now, I'm old. My kind buddies, receiving an A for effort, dropped me off at the gate...way down here...but our seats are WAY up there.

I'm old. I worried. Could I make it to my seat before Robert and Alison Krauss start singing. What if I DO make it all the way up there..then, I gotta pee (way back down here)?

I'm old. I've never been old before. Nobody learned me. 

I said "Doctor, ain't there nothing I can take, I said DOCTOR, to relieve this belly ache" of not knowing what to do now that I'm old.  Oh, I learned how to tie my shoes... I passed, got my driver's license, figured out isosceles triangles, even learned what onomatopoeia is.

I don't know OLD. How to act. What to do.

So, of course I Googled "How do I be old?" I think the regular folks at Google are on vacation because pinch-hitting Googles basically tried to tell me how NOT to be old. ('Small changes to your diet... Move...Think... Connect... Stay out of the sun') Well hell, so, FUN ain't involved when you're old?

I wasn't giving up on learning how to be old, so, I Binged "What are the characteristics of old people?" Answers weren't perty:

'Do less... Lose elasticity... Have pain... Sensory issues (vision, hearing, taste)......and even uglier, stroke, dementia, alz..

So, I thought I'd Google "What do really old people say about how they got to be really old?" I liked these answers:

Maintain a productive, active lifestyle... Keep a positive mindset... Balance stress... Great relationships with friends, loved ones... Good self-esteem with some stubbornness.. (hell to the yeah, up my alley!)..Don't care what anyone thinks.. Perhaps most importantly, be who you want to be.

But...

There I was...I was leaving the place... the hall of mountain kings... OK, it was actually Starlight... got to see Robert Plant... even went and peed... twice...

Was leaving... feeling a little better about this 'old' gig...Slight affliction slows my walking... so.. as I tried to move over to the side.. another couple, maybe late 50's, early 60's, crossed at the exact same time.. I awkwardly stopped to yield to them, they get past me and the guy turns, looks at me, using his hand as a megaphone yells, literally YELLS, "THEY OUGHTA SELL GERIATRIC SHOTS!" All in a millisecond I giggled, then got mad,  I looked around for my friends, damn, not behind me, still mad I hollered to the guy "WHAT'D YOU SAY" or "WHAT'D YOU MEAN BY THAT!?" He didn't stop.

Had I had a cane, I'd'a tripped him. Had I had a walker I woulda taken the tennis balls off and thrown 'em at him!

Then it dawned on me... this 60 year old asshat (sorry kinda), the first time Robert and Alison walked off stage, I could just see him standing, Zippo raised and lit, chanting "MORE! MORE!" in want of the 74 year old Robert to have an encore, an yet, I'm 70, in the way, should 'go get me a geriatric shot?

Just shoot me, it did kinda upset me, make me self conscious - pride is hard to swallow and it did go down and we laughed about it on the way home.

I still don't know how to be old. I am stubborn, mostly who I want to be.

Occasionally, if I do ever get bummed out I'll have a beer and take a nap.

I might try a geriatric shot one day though. I wonder what's in it?

Bottoms up, Victurd