Huh uh........

"I don't want to adult today. I don't even want to human today. Today I want to dog. I'll be lying on the floor in the sun. Please pet me and bring me snacks."     Unknown

What would you do, if I sang outta.. no, that ain't it.

What would you do if you could be a dog for a day?

"Hey Charlie?  I'm going to chase that friggin' mailman, wanna go with me?"

Ah, no thanks.  Me and the old lady are gonna go sniff testing elms, oaks, evergreens, maybe a few stranger's butts today, but thanks.

I think I'd jump up on the sofa simply because I can't remember the last damn time I was able to jump up on the sofa.  I might find a creek, or a river, a lake, pond, sumpin, where I can dog paddle to my heart's content, then...Then I'd get out..  pick the one with the newest duds on, run over by 'em and shake shake shake, shake shake shake, shake my booty - and fur, seein' how many drops I could get on them.

Baseball Ray..... no, that ain't it.

Tennis ball daddy... I wanna play fetch. I wanna chase throw after throw, after throw...til your arm gets sore, your back is slumped over, you're hungry, tired, wantin' the easy chair, then I'll say CAN WE DO IT AGAIN DADDY? PLEASE!!!!?

Rocky? Could you believe them humans during that corona thing? They treated the TP delivery guy's truck like it was Black Friday.. they'd race down the aisles, grab a cart and a half at a time, tweren't long the whole damn shelf was empty.  Well, I say (s'more)...

Well, I say, put your money, debit card, credit card, SNAP card, Apple Pay thingy away and watch this!  So, I run take a dump in ole' lady Gibson's yard, only 'cause she's real anal (no pun intended) about having the greenest, lushest lawn you ever seen.  Then, then...I'd sit up on my front legs, and scoot scoot scoot, scoot scoot scoot, on my booty, it's a real cutey.. Clean, no need for Biz Bag, Tide Pods, yain't gotta squeeze the Charmin, there'd be no "One ply, NO, TWO PLY" arguments..  my booty is clllleaaannnn!

Then, we could take a spin.  No homework, timeclock, shower, shave, Right Guard... no, Hi, my name's Ralph, fix me up with onea them Mocha Cookie Crumble Frappoccino's wouldya? No road rage, no cussing yellow lights.. no weavin' in and out, I just wanna stick my face out the winder', feel the breeze, checkout chicks, live the dream. I don't want to adult today.  I want to dog.

DOG PARK!  Are we there yet daddy are we there?  YIPPEEEEE!  Hi Shirley, whatup Frank, nice ta seeya Tigger, hey Flip! Ain't seenya in awhile, howya been? Heaven, an endless supply of Frisbees, tennis balls, slides, hoops to jump thru, plastic bags for you to, you know, acres and acres of green, green grass. Run, run, run, but ya sure can't hide. I really like it here 'cause it ain't likes no cubicle, there'll be no fake smiling.... If I get close to one I ain't real fond of, I just show 'em my snarl face (that's the upper left sidea my teeth, they'll get the idea).. then, if they don't, it's on baby, I might even bites me a human if they try to break it up!

That bell?  IT'S THE ICE CREAM MAN!  YES! YES! YES, sure, I chase those trucks, vans, it's what we doggies do do, BUT, fork it over daddy, I wants, needs, gots ta have me an ice cream cone, PRONTO!

Then, then... then we could go home. I know ya just vacuumed daddy, but, I gots to lay here and get those cockleburs, stickers, dirt clods, yada, outta my 'coat'.  So, I'm just gonna use my incisors, munch them things out, place 'em on carpet, or sofa, or bed, of wherever I want... can you flip the channel to that Cesar guy?  You know, the Dog Whisperer, or mebbe K-9 to 5, Pit Bulls and Parolees, hell, even Lassie on ME-TV'd do.  Pamper me. I don't wanna human, I wanna dog. Should I happen to take a quick snooze, don't you dare change the channel. Yeah yeah yeah, our feline friends take those catnaps, well, SO DO WE! Anytime night or day. It's what we doggies do.

THEN...THEN...I wanna run to the door cause I hearda burglar, or a tumbleweed, or sumpin outside.. I wanna SCREAM YELL BARK, BARK S'MORE, to hell wits 'the inside voice'.. don't you humans ever feel like screamin at the toppa your lungs like us pooches do? Try it Mikey, you'll like it. I plan on doing this eight or forty times today.  You're welcome.

Bed time already?  YEAH BABY... I'm gettin' in the middle.  If I sleep on the outside, when you guys toss and turn, sometimes ya knock me off. That ain't a far drop for you, but, it's about three times the height'a me.  Hey, remember back in the day when you and mom were young... you'd selfishly push me offa the bed then you and momma would do those situps or jumping jacks, whatever it was called you were doing, you'd scream, she'd holler... sometimes curse words happened, it was FRENETIC.. then it was over, and I was ok to jump back up. I'm sure glad you're older now and don't do that near as often.  I don't know a lotta English, but, when I hear momma say "Not tonight Frank" I wag ma' tail cause I know hey diddle diddle, I'm safe in the middle. Same as hearin ''Stay."

I simply cannot wait until 4am when I get'ta stick my wet nose right upside your sleepy mug. Hey, don't get mad at me, I seen you pee five times once when we went to Wally World.  A doggies gotta pee and poop, and, like you and mom, we can't schedule it, when we gotta pee, we gotta pee. Now git up and take onea them bags withya in case we gotta do that. BRB, going to checkout a few trees, SQUIRREL! I seen him first!

"My little dog - a heartbeat at my feet." Edith Wharton

"A dog is the only thing on Earth that loves you more than you love yourself."  Josh Billings

"The average dog is nicer than the average person." Andy Rooney

We getta live 7, COUNT 'EM 7, years, all built inta each year. When you come home, there's no guessing, or, "Uh oh, mebbe he (she) had a bad day." Nope.  EVERY SINGLE TIME, take a peek, our tails are wagging.  We got one mood. Fun. And loyal. And hungry.  And sleepy. And, HEY DID YOU HEAR THAT NOISE OUTSIDE!  C'mon Charlie, we GOTTA GO BARK... toppa our lungs, raceaya to the door!

I don't want to adult today. I don't even want to human today. Today I want to dog. I'll be lying on the floor in the sun. Please pet me and bring me snacks.

Hey diddle diddle, life in the middle. What better?

I could use a good pet.  Or, some situps, jumping jacks, screamin', hollerin', whatever you guys call that.

Arf.

Love, Victurd