Houston, we have a problem.....

Twas three nights before Christmas, when all through The Pole,

The elves were all stirring, trying to console.......

There was concern of, and for, Santa. He was'a slippin'.  The years were starting to take their toll.  But too, last week was the annual Elf on a Shelf dinner...  the next morning he awoke -  diarrhea, severe abdominal pain in the big ole belly... massive fatigue.. close your pointed ears, he was upchucking.  "Mebbe the pork was undercooked and he'd gotten that tricky-nosis" hollered Emie Elf...

"His breath reeked too," chimed Theo Elf... "so, I went and scouted around.. found 17 empty Hot Damn bottles in back'a the sleigh."  The always proper Edwin Elf noted, "Theo, up here at The Pole, we refer to that as Cinnamon Schnapps.".... "Whatever" Theo shot back, "you seen it, I seen it, his red cheeks ain't totally caused by the frigid temps here."

Robert Elf, the organizer, planner for the duties of most, suggested "Me thinks we need to get him in for a checkup with Doc Bowl Elf.. I'll set it up."  (They called him "Robert's Rule of Order.", and he was good.)  Ralph Elf,  a real wiseacre who also had an affinity for Schnapps, has no governor on his mouth, (they refer to him as Ralph Mouth Elf) yelled "He needs to wear a diaper, he's getting incontinence, and when he walks, he favors his right side, I do think he needs a hip replacement... I don't think he's even got what it takes to get it up any longer." Edwin, (proper Elf if you recall) countered with "Ralph, elves will get the wrong idea, you mean 'get his sleigh up' "...  "Hadn't thoughta the other, but, by golly, prolly that too" Mouth said.

The report came back from Doc Bowl Elf, and it tweren't pretty.  "Mandating, three days of bed rest...underwear shields.. Gaviscon.. Disulfiram (makes one ill after drinking alcohol).. and then, referring to Orty Elf (Orthopedic Surgeon) for a hip X-Ray his first day out."  Arthur Elf, who excels in Arithmetic, used up all three fingers and a thumb to announce "Holy crap, the.. 23rd, 24th, 25th, X-Ray on the 26th... we're sunk!"

An emergency meeting was called for that evening at The Benevolent and Protective Order of The Elfs. "Here ye, here ye" Flip Elf announced, "here comes the judge."  Ito Elf, robed, approached the bench, looked out over the crowd of huddled, nervous Elves, then uttered "Now what?"

There was a lotta hollerin... "Let Edwin take his place!  He'll do it properly!"..  "No, I think Rudolph would be the best replacement to guide our sleigh, us, route."...."No, WAIT!, What about Mrs. Claus?" "ARE YOU CRAZY" Ralph shot out. Bout that time Barney Elf fetched his one roll of duct tape, took care of Ralph's mouth."

"Ya know," Ito thought aloud, "that might work!"  there wasn't no detectin' who wasa hollerin but crazy, discriminatory stuff leaked out like crazy.. "her place is the kitchen"... "Women can't hit a lick like us men can"...  "it's clear, she just won't have the physical strength"... "heck, she'd probably stop to shop in Milan, all them duds they got there, then be late for all the kids in the Western Hemisphere."

Ito pounded his gavel.. "ORDER.. ORDER... ORDER...." took a deep breath, then continued in a calming voice.. "Edwin was a nice suggestion, but, at 3'2" tall, he couldn't even see over Dasher's hiney... Rudolph, yes, may have the brightest bulb, but, have you seen his test scores?  That bulb, doesn't shine the brightest of all the reindeer.  Mrs Claus, yes, is a VERY good cook, but you male elves need to wake up, stop discriminating.  Have you peeked at Society in the last one hundred years?"

The elves were now all seated in their tiny elf chairs.  Ito went on, "Women have always been remarkable.  Sadly, our society is slow to latch onto, believe, promote, take orders from, admire from afar, up close - women. There are women leaders all about the World.  Look down there at the US. Remember one ran for President? And.. their current VP?.. You think Mrs. Claus would get lost?  The last time you used GPS, recall if it was a male or female voice that guided you?  Uh huh, what I thought. I haven't even mentioned Alexa. DONE, (as he pounded his gavel again).. Mrs. Claus it is.. Robert, go give her the word, help her with anything she needs "

As they filed outta the Elf Hall.. there was still division among the elves.. Mo Elf spouted out "I move here from Cape Girardo... ah..  Cape Girardio.. ahm, a town in SE Missouri, the Show Me State, and she's gonna have to SHOW ME what she can do."  Proper Edwin wasn't nearby so many shouted "Hell yea!"

Higgin's elf (a professor of meteorology) was assigned to Eliza Elf, in hopes of working with Mrs. Claus on the specifics of World Weather.. she'd repeat same after he taught her.. that "the rain in Spain stays mainly on the Plain.. in Hartford, Herford, and Hampshire hurricanes rarely happen." so perfect a repetition of Higgin's word did Eliza do, Rex Elf turned to George elf, offered "By George, I think she's got it."

Knock, knock knock.  Mrs. Claus came to the front door to see Robert standing there.  He was outta breathe, scared, but, as the assigned messenger, he announced "Won't you take Santa's sleigh Christmas Eve night?"  She was a bit taken back.. gathered herself.. with extreme confidence, announced "But of course! I can do it!"

Doubting Thomas Elf had follered Edwin to the Claus residence... He wasn't havin' it.  He challenged Mrs. Claus... HE wanted to guide the sleigh.. 

Anything you can do I can do better... I can do anything better than you........ No you can't.. Yes I can.. No, you can't..   i can be greater sooner or later..  I'm greater than you.. No you're not.. Yes I am! No, you're not!  YES, YES I AM!  No, you're not.. Yes I am, Yes I am!  About that time, Ito elf and Mike elf rode up with Barney's Elf in his cop car..  "Thomas, scram.  I'm very sorry for his behavior ma'am. That ain't the elf consensus. We, all of us, Barney, Mike, all, know, 'you got this.'

The next couple of days, things, mostly, returned to normal. The elves pounded away, sorted, stepped on a few Legos..  awaited a late China container filled with Temu crap, er, toys... had to deal with the recall on halfa the FedEx trucks.. Barney arrested 26 porch pirate elves... but it was looking up. Old McDonald Elf fed, watered, brushed the reindeer..  Pierre and Norman Elves made sure the helium containers were filled.. 

Time to go!  Mrs. Claus stepped up on the sleigh..  Brimming with confidence, she blurted out "Now Dasher, now Dancer, now Prancer and Vixen, On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen, to the Top of the porch, to the top of the wall, now dash away, dash away, we'll show them all!"

It was amazing. In a heartbeat, they made it to the Pacific Islands of Kiriboti and Samoa..onto Asia, Europe, Africa... tweren't a chimney she didn't fit thru.. she was more than halfway thru in a flash.. sure, she bit on a few cookies, swallered some milk..  but too..  she filled all the stockings (darned 3,452 of 'em).. got, placed the presents outta her bag.. under the trees.. even had time to kinda straighten up the disgusting living rooms of 893 single father pads.. 

Thomas and Gomer Elf had traveled down to NORAD...  there were ready to track, see her fail, hustle back to The Pole and yell with glee "I TOLD YOU SO!"

But nope. Not gonna happen.  Even the scientists at NORAD had trouble keeping up with Mrs. Claus.. "Well I'll be" exclaimed Thomas... "GOOLLLLLLLYYY" added Gomer Elf.

The Americas... every corner of the world.. she didn't stop to shop in Milan.. wore her raincoat in the Plains of Spain... she had a tad bit of help from Karen Jaobsen (the GPS lady), Nina Rolle (Alexa)..women are smart. Very. Comprende' it takes a village.

The reindeer.. sleigh.. Mrs. Claus rolled into The Pole, four hours and 23 minutes ahead of Santa's previous record pace.

"If you want something said, ask a man. If you want something done, ask a woman." Margaret Thatcher.

"Whatever women do, they must do twice as well as men to be thought of as half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult."  Charlotte Whitton

I can do anything better than you... oh yes I can!

In spite of her tippy toeing, Santa awakened as she opened the covers, hopped in next to him. "Where ya been?" he asked.  "Oh, the reindeer and I just took a little spin."

In spite of the hour, Maurice Elf could be heard singing "Thank heaven for little girls. Thank heaven for them all, no matter where, no matter who. Without them, what would little boys do?"

Not much.

Love, Victurd

(Thomas elf was heard grumbling in his sleep.. Victurd, don't think you're ever off the hook for being called a misogynist into the future."  Bite me DT.)