Stranger danger.........

Aren't you glad we're normal... living in a World where everyone else is whacko?

 

WHAT?

 

Wait a minute...  you're telling me, when, in bed, you do any/everything you can to ensure your feet are covered up so 'a monster won't get you'?

 

Ahm, OK.  Bet ya look behind the shower curtain EVERY time you enter the same ole same ole bathroom don'tya?  Ahm, no. Victor, that's you.  Oh yeah, sorry.  Our secret.

 

You talk to your car don't ya?  Uh huh, what I thought.  Dog too? VICTOR, everyone talks to their dog.  Yeah, I know.. band camp, one time I was 'coupled' (long time ago eh Victor? Bite me).. there was a couple we did stuff with often (movies, ball games, fire pit/suds, yada) and there was a couple that was friends of theirs.  They, the couple we didn't know, brought their hound with them because they were so proud he knew over 300 words.  Uh huh. In fact, they's gonna go over the list in the living room, which, gave me a sudden urge to go have a smoke on the back deck. Aye yai yai.

 

I seen ya.  You turn the volume on the car radio down when you get close to the destination so you can 'see it better'. Weirdo.  I do that too.

 

I nose people with smell addictions. Their own fingernails. Laundry detergent. Play Doh, really. New tires. (Goes well with their touch addiction, those little nipple things that stick out the first week or so). Some people even crave the smell of mothballs.  They cray cray.  Me, I kinda enjoy wet ashphalt, old books and pine needles on the Christmas tree, but, that's all like normal ain't it? I wasn't even aware moths had balls but, I guess it makes Nature sense.

 

I seenya pickup the M&M barefooted.  Would that be a footish? Better question, didya eat it? 5 toe, er, I mean 5 second rule?  Ever eat a pine tree?

 

Charlotte over there.  When she leaves, she clicks to stool handle again to make sure it ain't runnin. The oven. The back sliding door.  The thermostat.  It's almost like she's got a list, crosschecking everything.  She then locks the front doors, both of em.  Climbs in the car next to Herbert.  He smiles, says, "Honey, your zipper is down."

 

Maggie, the best dayum cook this side'a Mosby, Missouri, she worries about her chidren.... blows on everything to make sure they don't burn their mouths.. . Between Jenny, Lenny and Sal, the three kiddos have missed 47 days of school this year, colds.. flu.. strep.. RSV (whaddeva that is)... On the way to The Piggly, momma tells Jenny, the oldest, "Remind me to get some candles.. daddy's 38th birthday is next week."

 

Some, step into their sport's bra.. I never have.  Pop bubble wrap, guilty, crack knuckles, drives me batty.  Seen ya, you eat the crust first on you PB&J don't ya?     

 

Your cereal is NEVER soggy if you eat it with a fork.  I always sneeze when I look at the sun.. or smell coworker Vicki's perfume. Man she lays it on.

 

Like the farmer's market don'tya?  I KNOW, cause I seen ya.  you eat BOTH ends of strawberries and the leaves.... the apple core (HOW?..  WHY?).. 

 

I have to get to the microwave one second before it dings.  You don't do that?  I have literally ZERO things to hide on my phone, but, when I show someone something on it, and they grab it, I want to kill them.

 

See doggy catching breeze next lane over, determine 'no way he can jump', I holler "GO GET YOUR BALL". I ain't got shot yet.

 

I SPEED over bridges.  Ya just never know.  I wear Billy Bob teeth on first Match.com dates just to see the reaction.

 

You know how chicks do the Homecoming wave with their hands? Seena dude doing that once, 'cept, his little finger was in his ear and he was Homecoming sawing it back and forth and back and forth.  Then, he looked.  Eww. 

 

And then, there was Sigma Nu hell week, but, that's a story for another day.  You're right, why not?  Nekked, pickup a marble off a huge chunk of ice, ya can't use your hands.  Mouth to mouth CPR to a carp that was in the toilet.  Damn actives, they blindfold you, make you stand on a chair.. break ALL KINDS of glass.. bounce it up and down in a metal bowl.. then, make you jump onto the floor, where, after you land, you can take your blindfold off, and realize you just jumped into.. .corn flakes.. with ketchup throughout.  You have pen tied to a string, that's tied to your 'uh huh', that's then brought up thru the neck opening of  your shirt, where, you must get 100 chick signatures before day's end. Yankers.  Some of 'em was yankers.

 

OK, I'll go.

 

Weirdest friend I have writes blogs.

 

Too many of 'em.

 

Bite me.

 

Love, Victurd