Fitty.... Who am I?

I am Ted. I was born in 1904, today's date to be exact, March 2nd, Springfield, Massachusetts, wow, Massachusetts, that's a long word.

My dad managed a brewery on Mulberry Street but was forced to close during Prohibition. We are of German descent and my sister Marnie and I experienced anti-German prejudice  from other children after the outbreak of WWI.

I went to Dartmouth where I had fun writing for the humor magazine Dartmouth Jack-Lantern. Me and 9 buddies got caught drinking gin (Remember? Prohibition?) So, they booted me from the magazine. I tricked 'em and kept writing for the mag using a pen name but I can't tell you that now, sorry.

After Dartmouth, I went across the pond to Oxford with the intent to get a PHD in English Lit. I loved to draw, in fact, it was there I met, fell madly in love with Helen Palmer who said "Ted's notebooks were always filled with these fabulous animals. So, I set to diverting him, he should be earning a living doing that."

Victor, this is dragging quite a bit, hop to it with more hints. OK.

Moved back home (no Oxford degree)...Helen came too. I loved cartoons. Submitted tons to magazines, book publishers, and ad agencies. They said no, no, no and no. FINALLY sold one to The Saturday Evening Post for $25 and ooh la la, things fell in place.

We (Helen and I) got hitched. Ad ideas grabbed up allowed us to travel the World, "traveling helped his creativity" Helen would say.

In 1936, returning from an ocean voyage I wrote a poem that would later become a children's book, oops. 43 publishers said "no" so I was walking home to burn the manuscript, meantime. #44 said "Yes!"

During WWII, I mostly did political cartoons, and after, Helen and I moved to yummy La Jolla, CA, I started writing more and more children's books. 1954, Life Magazine basically said 'kids aren't learning to read because the books were boring, and words difficult."

The director of education for Houghton Mifflin compiled a list of 348 words he thought first graders should know, asked me to "cut the list to 250, write a book using only those words." So, I did. Something about a feline and a cap.

Later, Bennett Cerf challenged me to write a kid's book using only fitty words. So:

 a, am, and, anywhere, are, be, boat, box, car, could, dark, do, eat, eggs, fox, goat, good, green, ham, here, house, I, if, in, let, like, may, me, mouse, not, on, or, rain, Sam, say, see, so, thank, that, the, them, there, they, train, tree, try, will, with, would, and you.

Anywhere is the only word with more than one syllable. Ya know yet?

I am Sam. Sam I am..... No, that ain't right.

I am lucky. I've written and sold over 600 million copies of children's books.

I am Theodor Suess Geisel. You might know me as Dr. Suess. I do not like Green Eggs and Ham.

Happy National Dr. Suess Day. (It's also National Read Across America Day)

Love, Victurd

A quickie.....

In a world of mosquitos, crime, earthquakes, argument, affliction, poverty, Spy vs Spy, FOX vs CNN (and yes, CNN vs FOX), yada, not to mention our own, personal boxing matches within.

A breath of fresh air needed.

Jump in, or ADD ON (I'd love to hear) - let's visit stuff that brings about happiness....

#'s 15, 87 and 95.

A new airport to show off our City.

Children. So honest, so clever, so loving, SO full of FUN, zest for life.

Dogs. So loyal, so easily excited with happiness - which, fortunately rubs off like dog hair.

Cats and their predicted unpredicted behavior, oft times, purrfect.

Furnaces, AC's, fireplaces, comforters, fans, lights, candles.

Sunrises, sunsets, being the first one up, or the last to go to bed. 

Falling asleep in the easy chair, awakening, thinking "I'm glad that happened."

A text, or a name on Caller ID that immediately invokes a smile.

Hugs, high fives, fist bumps, dancing, jumping up and down. When's the last time you jumped up and down? It's fun!

A planned meeting of friends.

Something on TV that envelops your want, attention, like blinds at least temporarily blocking ugly.

A peanut buster parfait.... some thin mints.... a Stroud's cinnamon roll.

Water, be it a soaking bath, a warm shower, or even just a quick wakeup face splash.

Water, be it a lake, stream, river, ocean or even rain from the comfort of inside.

A trip, could be short, long, even fleeting that is candy to the eyes, heart.

Sidestepping rush hour, Interstates, going the two-lane backroad, lush, green fields, all kinda critters, corralled or otherwise.

A ball thru the basket, a grounder up the middle, a kick thru the uprights and a putt that drops in the hole - even if it's your third putt - hey, you're playing golf!

Love, any kind.

Music, amost any kind.

Days off.  Days on where your coworker made you laugh so hard you peed a bit.

Compliments, both directions.

Loud, quiet, percussive.

I'd better run. Victor? Yes? You can't run anymore. Ahm, did I mention laughter?

Victor? Yes? You never mentioned "A quickie"? Ahm, use your intuition. Jump up and down if you haveta.

Ohhhhhhh, wait... Say "Unique New York" THREE times, REALLY fast - that always makes me happy!

Happy Trails to you, but only if you ain't running to the loo, 

Love Victurd, pun intended I guess. Puns are happy.

Some things old age has learnt me...........

Dress in layers. If you get too hot, you can take a layer off.

If one looks in the full length mirror naked, good gosh Gerty, put layers on until it's all covered.

Things that will happen when you are broke two weeks before your Uncle Sam check:

     You are on the last roll of toilet paper. You need a haircut, badly. You get to your Doctor's appointment and Receptionist Ratched will look up, smile, then announce "You still owe a $20 copay from your last visit." The gas gauge will be on E.  You live in an apartment, ain't gotta washer and dryer and you just put on your last pair of clean undies. (To be continued)

   So, three loads to do... $3.75 per, $11.25 total (thank goodness for FREE dryers at the laundromat!). You have 2 fives in your wallet. An all apartment, junk drawer, bluejean pocket search yields 6 quarters, AHA, "an extra quarter 'cause I always lose one/count wrong." All happy, you pull in, tote your overflowing clothesbasket to the machines, load three of 'em, convert the $5's to quarters. Walking back to the washer, you realize, when you walked in you dropped a pair bright green (dirty) undies next to a mom and her three giggling children.  (To be continued)

You pickup the undies, walk to the washer and you realize they've raised the washer rate from $3.75 to $4.50.  You, under your breath, cuss the owner, the avian flu and the sitting President.  You manage to finish.

You live by The Square. there is an event going on there, it's "Wine about Winter", overflowing with drunken rookies.  You make it home, kinda. You finally find a parking spot 'near Kearney', some two and a half blocks from your front door. After taking two breaks on the walk home, you're ready for a nap. It's cold out, so you Whine about Winter.

You awaken, your breath frightens you. You find you done rolled the toothpaste tube up so much there ain't nuthin' gonna squirt outta there. Coffee. Need coffee. There's one scoop left (3 for a full pot), and of course, the last coffee filter. You cuss Folgers, Maxwell House and ground beef. After a self discussion you decide "Eh, I'll go to the store and wait to get a haircut after payday in two weeks." You make a grocery list, head to store.  (To be continued)

Music is cranked, you grab a cig, "Crap, my last one and the carton is empty." What a perfect time to quit! To which I reply, "Did you just get here blogreader?"

Pull into Piggly Wiggly. No list to be found. DANGIT! Drive back home, list right where I left it. Back to Piggly. Incoming text "Can I borrow 40 bucks?" You laugh, then take delight in finding a front row parking place! As you pull in, the Check Engine Light comes on. You cuss Nixon, War, Classified documents, constipation, the $1.25 Dollar Tree, the PE teacher that made you do 500 sit ups, the $29.99 guy, and you end it with "Mike ain't got sh*t." All better now.

OK, I josh, somewhat. It does kinda seem though, when one is overextended, you also happen to be out of about everything.

To get to old age, you don't need GPS, you simply need to be blessed. Yes, we're set in our ways, but ain't it spiffy to still have ways to sit in?

I love you and I thank you for stopping by.

Love, Victurd

KCI or MCI, ya got me goin' in circles.............

At times in life - all we are left with are memories. Fulton, Mo, my grandparents had a big ole house I so fondly remember as a child.  The front yard, at least from the eye's of a child was HUGE.  It did have a sidewalk that ran the course of 'the fifty yardline' but somehow we survived.

They downsized years later, tiny yard but HUGE family memories. Driving back to this yummy mid-Missouri town today, one finds, big house torn down, downsized house also and Casey's is in her place.

Memories.

Soon, as easy as ABC (terminals} the new airport will open, like, tomorrow. I liked the easy come easy go of our airport, but, can't stand in the way of progress, for all you get is standinginthewayofprogress and Wordle says that ain't a word.

If you are stilll awake, be prepared to be bored with airport memories.

I ain't accomplished at nuttin', but, among my 'accomplishments'.. 4 years with United Airlines ("Vic, we're abandoning this mini-hub idea, you can go to NY or Chicago, part-time."); Eastern Airlines, 7+ years (Chapter 11 which rhymes with (and led to) 7  to which Robert Preston might say "Ya got trouble, right here in river city".

Then, Braniff, "Believe it", 'you really didn't did you?', yes, in sales, lasted 3 years. Oh, then, ex and I had a mom and pop air cargo delivery company. I think maybe I was dropped on my head at birth.

So, I at least accomplished love for the airport. Victor, we're bored, get to the mems. OK:

Ultra high maintenance all wood floors but so damn cool when once or twice a year Bambi would get to the automated double glass doors, see her reflection, run in and CLIP-CLOP-CLIP-CLOP chaos would begin.

I wasn't involved in this one, but wish I woulda been. Buddies found out the phone number where the cabbies took breaks, had coffee. They, my buddies, would put a bag of trash, nothing but trash and put it on the floor behind the bag claim, next to the window. They would then go to the pay phone, within eyesight of the cabbie stand... call... and in a loud whisper, they'd tell the poor guy that answered the phone "Hey... we got your money, sorry it took us so long..it's on the floor behind the bag claim, next to the window... please make sure you get ALL of it to Tony, thanks." Confused, somewhat scared cabbie, but thinking maybe he'd won the lottery... would look left, then right, then back left...slowly walk, then run and get the trash bag and unload it,  Dorito bags, barf bags, Pepsi cups, paper towels, used Kleenexes, toiletries (eww) frantically looking for the stash... as soon as the bellies of my buddies stopped hurting from laughing so much they made their way back downstairs to meet their next flight.

Skip this paragraph if you don't want your 'I love Lucy' image damaged. Ms. Ball and her agent approached my podium. It was back in the days you could still smoke on planes, so I had to ask "Would you like smoking or nonsmoking ma'am?" She looked me, turned her head, looked at her agent..."she'd like non-smoking", a few more question, each the same, she'd turn to her agent, she would not speak to me. I was kinda bummed.

Dom DeLuise, on the other hand. Working the ramp one day, a buddy and I ventured up the jetway to the passenger waiting area. Mr. Dom was walking to the jetway, looked at us, both drenched in sweat, smiled, asked "You guys load the planes?" Yessir. He then motioned like he was holding two bowling balls by his knees and added "I bet they must hang down to here."

New hire. Cargo area getting full, minutes before departue time. Frantic lead to new hire, "We're gonna run out of room. Take the tug to Delta, see if we can borrow their bin-stretcher, and, HURRY."  Off he races, gets to Delta, "Sorry, we loaned it to Continental," off to Continental, "No, United borrowed it yesterday." The joke was on he. Buddies, of course, hee-hawing when he finally made it back.

Suitcases commonly broke open. Wiseacres would grab a bra, seek out what looked like a sale's rep bag, open it and insert the bra. "Honey, honest, I have no idea!" Uh huh, sure.

Suspicious bag? They had another name for it but it escapes me. At least once or twice a year you'd meet a flight, start unload it and you'd hear a bag vibrating, buzzing. You were pretty certain what it was but you could take no chances. So, up you went to the jetway, before allowing anyone to deplane the flight attendant would get the name off the tag, announce "Trudy Smith can you come to the front of the plane please?" There, infronta God, the Captain, flight crew, security and ramp rats, Trudy was forced to open the suspicious bag, find and turn off her vibrator, then all was good.

New hire, me. Written, you miss one day the first 90 days, gone. My lead drove up hurriedly, "Vic, come with me." Where we going Roy? "You're going home, your wife's water broke." Thankfully, mngmnt of course OK'ed.

One more and I'll get out of your hair. Braniff, I was in Cargo Sales. Per my boss, "organize a golf tournament for our customers, make it nice, get passes(free flight vouchers) for a dozen or so customers." Did. It was going well until hole #7. What happened? You hit one in the woods? Worse. Boss paged me, pre cell days. "Vic, we're going belly up, they're sending all the planes to Orlando." S*IT, now what?

Word got around the golf course fast. My customers liked me, had nothing to do with me, I gave them cheap rates! Anyways, we finished the tourney,, they proceeded to bring ME an endless supply of beer as they realized I was losing my job. I handed out 12 worthless (keepsakes?) flight vouchers and a good time was had by all. Thankfully, Braniff did come back for a very short time and they all got to go somewhere.

Literally thousands like me will carry fond, fond memories of this airport. We can't be standinginthewayofprogress.

I would like to add... if you ever are to fly and something goes awry, it likely ain't due to the employee across from you. Minimally, that employee worked boo koo years of nights to have the day shift and some sense of normalcy with his, her family. Odds too that this employee got furloughed, or force transferred to Albany, or Fargo, Boise, Louisville (new home, new city, new schools for the kids.) Only the lucky ones make it back to their hometown  to retire.Also, very good odds that person has worked for one or more other airlines that went kapooey.

It gets in your blood. And like love for airline work, so comes the joy of the building where you work.

Grandma's, Municipal Stadium, soon Kauffman, and now KCI. 

Memories, good ones. BRB, going to grab a pizza at Casey's, Fulton, MO.

Love, Victurd

Chopsticks and other easy stuff....

At least, they are for 1.2 billion people, nomme. 1.5 billion of us use fork and spoon.

Life, easy peasy? Quoting a beloved family member "Not nos, but hells nos."

Easy as pie? I've never made one.

Easy to be hard. It don't come easy.  Take it easy. It's so easy.  Peaceful easy feeling.

Easy rider. The big easy. Earth girls are easy.  Easy money. Five easy pieces.  

Easy as duck soup.  Easy as falling off a log. 

Easy as child's play. Huh? Have you played with children recently?  Getting down on the foor for me nowadays usually includes long range planning on how I'm going to get back up.

Drop something? 5 second rule? Heck, that went by the wayside years ago. Now, I wait until I drop a second something, then, I kick it over by the first something, pick them both up, same time.

Easy as 1, 2, 3? Easy as A, B, C? Wordle could be, if only... if only one could dig in their billfold, get out a fitty and say, "Mr. Sajak, I'd like to buy a vowel.," then it'd be easy.

Easy chair, yum. Mine reclines. I can sit in it to watch the News, next thing I know I awaken halfway thru Entertainment Tonight.    

Much is easy, much ain't.  Easy on the eyes, yum. Easier said than done. Quitting smoking is easy, I've done it six times.

Who needs keto, kale, rabbit food, dieting? The added pounds make for faster, easy sledding.

Easy to swallow? Tell that to Bowser and the pill he just spit out that was wrapped in cheese..bacon.. peanut butter... a meatball. Swallowing one's pride is difficult but it will go down.

There is no easy way to say this. Hi, I am Victurd and I'm a keyboard addict.

The easy way out.  Easy Street. Easy to please.  Let off easy. You give up too easy. Too easy.

It's easy to see, it's a difficult word, should be easy.

I am inept at budgeting, easy come, easy go. A flat tire, at this age, ain't no easy fix unless you got AAA.

Halloween, it's as easy as taking candy from a baby.

I'm hungry, think I'll go eat.  Eggs, over......

Over in the microwave, scrambled of course - they're easy that way. Even at $4+ a dozen, that's four meals for me, easy on the easy come easy go budget.

By Henry Gibson.... Forward by Peter Fonda, Dennis Hopper and Jack Nicholson (if you recognize the significance of these three, it's easy to tell you're old too.)

Love, Victurd

BME...

Be Me? Of course not, why would I wish for someone to be tubby, with 'lead in their step'?

Bowel Movement Everlasting?  Geez, hope not, that would be H E double toothpicks with empty shelves in the paper aisle at Piggly....

Best Month Ever?

FEBRUARY?

Why not?

Well.... it's damn cold..... Yeah but...

Jonquils and robins are confused....  Yeah but...

I'll give it to you Valentine's Day is cool, but we're past that.... Yeah but... I look at it as an awakening.. Did you say 'woke'?  Ahm, no.

There are, admittedly, great months all year... we all have favs.... Spring.... Summer.. Fall... and we end with Thanksgiving and Christmas..

Loan me your ear for halfa blog...

It's an exciting time..  Kinda like the rollercoaster and it's slow ascent to the top to prepare for YIPEE! YAHOO! Take me home, rollercoaster road, to the place I belong!

A new start. Pinch ourselves, we're alive...hear that? We need that reminder!

The day is getting longer... we're inching closer to Spring forward that damn thing we Fall'd Back on.

Maybe best of all... folks in SoCal, AZ, TX, The Gulf, The Atlantic, all, are looking at us like "Are you crazy?"

NO, we're lucky, and we might even find a four leaf clover forya to stick in your cowboy hats.

Snowbirds inhale, exhale and retrace their steps back home.. the tan will fade.. but there ain't no better bed to sleep in.. and Fido can't wait to poop in his favorite pooping spots...

Sssshhhhhh.... listen..... fly balls being hit... grounders.. fungo bats... the popping of a 97 mph fastball into the catcher's mitt..

Like bears.. we're reaching the 'wake me when it's over' time of year...

Unload those shorts into the dresser... changeout long sleeve for short... Stand on your head, turn that Winter frown upside down.. It's a Serotonin time of year...

Dust off that lawnchair there are picnics at the lake upcoming... teeball games where a 'grand kid' will, of course, run to third base insteada first...good times, good sights... beats the heck outta sitting in the easy chair, blanket in tow, watching a funny video where an ad pops up halfway through...

Fly robin fly.. Hello tree, howya doin bud(s)? The grass IS greener on the other side of Nov/Dec/Jan.

That's the way, uh huh, uh huh I like it.

Go. Kiss. Hug. Hold. Laugh. Run. Jump. Dance. Embrace the outdoors.

The rollercoaster is chug-a-luggin' to the top. BVE? Best view ever?

I dunno, but it's pretty exciting.

SoCal, AZ, TX, The Gulf, The Atlantic, carry on. 

We, in the thawing tundra, are throwing a party. Our annual YIPEE YAHOO YUMMY party, reminding ourselves again how lucky we are to be here.

Green Acres is the place to be.
Farm livin' is the life for me.
Land spreadin' out so far and wide
Keep SoCal, AZ, TX, The Gulf, The Atlantic, just give me that countryside.

Don't never apologize for being happy. Spread it like manure, good things will pop up.

Sir, you're next in line for the rollercoaster.... YIPEE YAHOO YUMMY!

Happy days...

By Henry Gibson....    Forward by Yogi, John Deere and Burpee

Love, Victurd

THREE DAYS... until Chris Jones, gets into his stance, greets his opponent with "Whatsup fatty?"

More than you ever wanted to know about Super Bowl LVII;

As of 5:30 am today on Ticketmaster, least expensive ticket, $3,450 per. Best seats, 50 yard line, Row 5, $24, 692 each. (Say, did you hear about the guy who didn't think Lebron would break the all-time NBA scoring record until tonight's Laker's game so he paid just under $50,000 for two tickets to it? Well, Lebron broke the record this past Tuesday night, gulp.)

Parking, $100 (No tailgating!)

If yain't got your room yet, there are very few still available within 15 miles of State Farm Stadium, and they go for $888.33 per night, two night minimum. Oh, and that does include continental breakfast.

To buy you, mama and junior two beers, a coke and three hot dogs, it's $80.75 (Beer $17.50 ea, pop $7.50, dogs $12.75 ea.)

You can drive to a Kansas casino and make a multitude of bets. National Anthem over or under 2 minutes  & 5 seconds.  The color of the Gatorade poured on the winning coach (orange, blue, green, clear, red or purple.) Will Andy Reid wear a Hawaian shirt?  Will a fan run on the field during the game? The predominant color of Rihanna's outfit for the halftime show. Her hair color?

Number of hot dogs sold, over/under 17,000? Will the power go out? Will Tom Cruise parachute into the stadium to hand deliver the game ball? See? You can go broke not even knowing a thing about football!

The Lombardi Trophy weighs 7 lbs. and cost $50,000. Each of the 32 teams, plus some help from the league, pay for the cost of the Super Bowl rings ($5M).

Most households are equipped with a TV anywhere from 32 to 65 inches to watch the game. Some bigger, some bars much bigger. The NFL, for the referees, recently upgraded their replay monitors from 9 inches to 12. Go figure.

14,500 tons of chips and 8 million pounds of guacamole are consumed in US households during the Super Bowl, or, enough snack food to fill 270 jumbo jets. The only day people eat more food? Thanksgiving.

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THREE. THREE days

The first AFL-NFL World Championship Game, 1967, retroactively known as Super Bowl I. The Green Bay Packers, led by Vince Lombardi, were favored by 14 over Hank Stram and our beloved Chiefs, There was AFL-NFL animosity, doubters believed the NFL was vastly superior and it would be a blowout. Each League had their own brand, style of football and the refs would swap them out as thei teams came on offfense.

It was close for a half, the Chiefs actually outgained them 181-164, but trailed, 14-10. Curtis McClinton, on a 7 yard pass from Len Dawson, scored our first touchdown. Perhaps naysayers were right, Green Bay rolled the 2nd half, winning 35-10.

The following season, with a chip on their shoulder, the Chiefs blasted the vaunted Chicago Bears 66-24 in a preseason game. There was still considerable doubt, even perhaps amongst us Chief's fans. I'm old, I remember that game and it was huge, solidifying 'the AFL is here to stay.'

Short blog today - you're welcome.

Snowing here in KC. Schools closed. Out and about - be safe.

If you are nervous like me about this game, Jake says "Don't be, it's at State Farm Stadium for goodness sake."

Love, Victurd