I ain't never invented anything, but, I am amazed by inventors. (Except Henry Ford, more later).
Yes, Weebles wobble but the inventor was a feller named Strongin. Wordles Wardle but only because Josh Wardle invented Wordle. We can either thank him or hate him for that, and some days, I even do both!
Joe Smith invented the Heimlich Maneuver. JK, it was Frank Maneuver. JK again, it was Henry Judah Heimlich.
The Mason jar. Hmmm. Mason Williams? Classical gas, er, guess, but no. Was it one of the many freemasons? (Who Victor, who are some of the freemasons?) I'm so glad you asked: FDR, Harry S for nothing, Andrew Jackson, Benjamin Franklin, Beethoven, Mark Twain, Harry Houdini, Winson Churchill, Arnie Palmer, The Duke John Wayne. No, tweren't any of them.
Was it Shirley Mason? Nuh uh, ladies aren't allowed in the Freemasons. Bricklayer masons mebbe, but not the free kind. Twas actually John Landis Mason in 1858 and he was a tinsmith of all things. They are hermtically sealed, which, I'm not gonna research, but assume invented by Herman's Hermits.
Bueller?.... Bueller? Nice try by a nice guy, but no, the Ferris Wheel was invented by George W. G. Ferris as it was to be the spotlight of the 1893 World's Columbian Exposition. George tried to make it taller than the Eiffel Tower (of course invented by Ethel Mertz) but nope, twasn't.
Of course, the Graham cracker was invented by Graham Nash after he and his live in Joni Mitchell had gone to breakfast and bought an expensive vase on Ventura Boulevard and returned home where their two cats were in the yard. Wait. I might be confused. No, that's when he wrote Our House. While their house was a very, very, very fine house, the Graham cracker was invented by Sylvester Graham to combat the blandness of his diet. Sylvester was married to Marsha Marshmellow, but he booted her out when she gained 40 pounds eating chocolate. S'more on that later. Maybe.
Henry Ford didn't invent the car, but he did mass produce the Model T, named car of the Century in 1999. We should be thankful to Henry for coming up with ideas that are still used today in cars, such as different speed gears, and parking brakes. I hate Henry Ford. JK, hate is too stronga word. OK, me no likey Henry Ford because I shoulda been a rich kid as my great-great-grandfather owned the biggest Buggy-making franchise this sidea the Atlantic Ocean. The Model T, ultimately, put my GGGF (Buggy Schultze) outta business. JK on the Buggy Schultze, I've got his name somewhere in my ancestry file, but, I'm too lazy to go look now.
Men. You write only about men! What about us women? Shirley women invented something didn't they?
But (Victor, you can't start a sentence with 'But'). Butt out. Madam Curie (you can call me Marie) laid out a theory of radioactivity. She was but 44. She died in a street incident in 1906, see, I toldya I hated, er, disliked Ford.
Do not pass go and do not collect $200 until you know it was Elizabeth Magie that invented Monopoly. You men suck. WHY'S THAT? Because. BECAUSE WHY? Well, after Magie patented the game, some dude named Charles Darrow stole the idea, sold it to Parker Brothers, the race car, top hat, thimble, battleship, rubber ducky and all. The Parker Brothers later did track down Magie and offer her $500. HUH! MEN!
706 people, read that number again, 706 people were saved when the Titanic sank in 1912 due to the fact Maria Beasely invented the first effective lifeboat in 1882.
Women drivers you say? WELL, you can thank a woman driver. Mary Anderson visited New York City in 1902, rode in a trolly car in falling sleet, and, uh huh, she went home then and there and invented a working model that used a lever inside the car to control a rubber blade on the windshield. Yep, the Windshield Wiper was born, thanks Mary. She had trouble selling the idea at first, enter cusswords about Ford here, but finally, in 1922, Cadillac included her invention on its vehicles in 1922. It had to have bugged her it took so long. Sorry, kinda, I will wipe smirk off face now.
Almost done.
A quick look at inventors/inventions:
Watch - Peter Henlein....... Electricity - Benjamin Franklin..... Five and Dime - Ben Franklin.... Radio - Guglielmo Marconi (not to be confused with Macaroni inventor Maestro Martino)....
I see the Silhouette (invented by Etienne de Silhouette) of three men who invented the Telescope: Hans Lippershey, Zacharias Janssen and Galileo (Thunderbolts and lightening, very, very, frightening me, Galileo, Galileo, Galileo, Galileo, Galileo, Figaro, Magnificoo!)
Battery - Alessandro Volta (wouldn't ya know it)... Diesel Engine, Breaker 1-9, Rudolf Diesel.. Dynamite - JJ Walker..no, that ain't it.. Alfred Nobel. He shoulda won a prize for inventing that.... Inert Gases - Charlie Smith, no wait, that ain't it, Charlie sat infronta me in 5th grade, it was actually Sir William Ramsey...
LED - Losev and Holonyak.. LCD - George Heilmeier.. LSD - Albert Hofmann, not Abbie Hoffman.. (I wrote the FDA to make sure they weren't related, didn't know the DNA, I asked them to RSVP, they didn't, so I guess I'm SOL.)
Pasteurization - Louis Pasteur... DNA sequencer - Lloyd Smith... The Quickie - Vic Schultze...
I Googled "who invented Viagra" and the response was, "British Scientists (drum roll, and I didn't make up these names) Peter Dunn and Albert Wood."
I gotta go. (Who invented the urinal? Andrew Rankin. Makes sense.)
By Henry Gibson............. Foreward by The Mothers of Invention
Love, Victurd
No comments:
Post a Comment