But.........then again, some never made it to the delivery room. Uh huh, bouncing babies have been born in cars... in a tree (to escape a flood in Mozambique)... a Nascar race (Boy? Named Dale? Gal? Danika? article didn't say.)... Library (SSSSHHHHH!!!! Hold it down kid!)... McDonalds (would you like fries after-birth, you deserve a break today).. Elevator (See? Toldya life was fulla ups and downs).. Jail... Post Office (ahm, at that weight, you'll owe the equivalent of a first class parcel of $9.53.)
First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes baby in a baby carriage. Well, kinda. Lady in France, to be married one week before her due date, uh oh, didn't feel well.. excused herself.. uh huh, you guessed it. Cut the cord, tied that knot, then... they finally got to tie the knot. I kid you knot. Shoulda been an episode on Knots Landing.
The Mall.. Front lawn.. Disneyland (That's Goofy).. Plane...
Highway fitty-three and highway forty-two, I ain't kiddin'. Twins. They were driving to hospital, had to pull over, deliver twin #1.... back rolling.. differn't highway.. yep, pulled over, twin #2... (Life is a highway... well I wanna ride it my way... all night long)..
A taxi.. Online. WHAT? Yep, planned. Video camera in her living room, it's believed over 2,000 watched the birth, and the spanking of the booty.
Whew. That all makes me tired. Life'll learnya huh?
1952. Hi, and welcome. You'll like it here. In, ohhh, 60 or so years, you will be staring virtually all day at your telephone. NUH UH! Uh huh. Odds are, one day, you're gonna drop that phone in the toilet.
Another day, someone behind you in class will sneeze and get yuck allover you. Then, it'll happen again at the movie theater, just as you're leanin in to put a smooch on momma.
Half of you will get divorced. If you, like me, do it again, 60% are bound to fail. Damnit darnit!
On average, three times, in public, you will hear "your top is inside out.".. Eight times, "Barn door is open."
You will......... either...... lose something precious down the garbage disposal... into a lake, stream, river, ocean.. down a sewage drain.. in the backseat of an Uber... in that nifty pair of old jeans you just dropped off at Goodwill. (Damnit darnit, you might haveta go back for some Goodwill hunting.)
One third of us will be fat. A boss will yell at you. Someone close to you will betray you. You will reach your destination and realize you left your (wallet, credit card, driver's license, teeth [been there, gummed that].. hat.. bra... one sock.. yada)......
You will get a trophy just for being there. Two in every ten will hate fish. 55 million of you will fish this year. 100% of you think the other political party is fishy.
99% of grandparents will fork out dough for ice cream, chocolate, that stuff. Since old farts are living longer, by 2030, 8% of kids will have a great-grandparent alive.
But........ did you know.... only 2% of you will have green eyes. Most of you will favor one nostril when breathing through your nose. The eye is the fastest muscle in 100% of you. You contain trillions of bacteria, prolly more if you like fish, yuck. Your body contains 100,000 miles of blood vessels, wonder howinthehell they conducted that study? Contrary to studies by GQ Magazine, the skin is your largest organ. We, scientists, doctors, scholars, all, ain't got no idea why we yawn. (I think we could offer up sufficient proof from college lectures, church sermons, work meetings.)
You will not need to diet your entire life. (That's what the eye doc says anyway as our eyes will virtually remain the same size all our life.) Don't be alarmed if one booby or one testi is a tad larger, smaller, happens.. to most.
99% of bloggers go on and on and make people yawn. It is unknown why they do that.
May you have a great Fall, but not like Humpty. A fun Halloween, but not like Freddy. A nifty Thanksgiving, but don't try to be the centerpiece like Tom. If you are naughty, it's ok. At your age Santa doesn't bring you squat anyways.
By Henry Gibson <-- born at his father's guitar factory.
Love, Victurd <-- delivered by a female physician who of course spanked him, and he kinda liked it.
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