Yeah? Yeah.......
The hell is there? Elizabeth Montgomery, that's who.
You mean Samantha Stephens? Uh huh.
Why there? Why her? Did you just like get here? OK, I was only 12 when Bewitched debuted, and mebbe that woulda been a tad young to go chase Elizabeth, but damn I wish I woulda. I've loved her for going on fitty-eight years now.
She could twinkle her nose and make everything all good. Did I mention she was beautiful?
Quite a few years after we'd been blessed to watch the fix-everything with a twitch witch.. I was sitting on the sofa... For like the 4th time that day, I tried to convince my wife of something we really needed to do. I don't have any recollection of what it was, but I'll never forget the moment when, she lifted up the remote control, pointed it at me and started clicking.
Hell to the yeah. THAT, is how life should be.
Crying baby, being anywhere where you hear someone's voice that grates and grates on you? Your boss, asking, once again, if you were done with the three month project two weeks after he'd assigned it to you. CLICK. CHANGE CHANNEL. HIT MUTE. Seeya!
OK, just shoot me, I'd really rather hit the hay with Samantha, but, if life afforded me control with a remote control, I guess I could settle for that.
You say something really really stupid, maybe hurtful, you're embarrassed....... BINGO....... hit REWIND.. All good.
It's 4:45am, you've had under 6 hours of sleep? Just hit the POWER button, our problems are solved.
Problem knowing what to say, how to parent your kid in a trying time? The alternator on your car ain't alternating. It's right on top. Mechanic wants two weeks of your salary to fix, you don't know lefty loosie from rightie tighty? HIT GUIDE BUTTON.
Your snotnoses first steps? Scenes from your mom and dad's 50th anniversary? That time your boss Ebenezer ACTUALLY complimented you? HIT VIDEO REPLAY!
That HORRIBLE argument you/she were in, and the one hour, 15 minute 'make-up' you had upstairs, HIT VID........ VICTOR! Sorry, got carried away.
Having a take this job and shove it moment? Just hit your second consecutive tee shot into the woods? HIT EXIT BUTTON.
Driving to work....... You hear that choir preface to Mick talking about "You can't always get what you want." CRANK VOLUME. You are NEVER too old to CRANK VOLUME even if your driver side window quit working two years ago, you're at a stoplight and the window is still two inches from completely closing. CRANK VOLUME.
NUMBER PAD. Pick a year, any year. Prom? The Little League Championship game? Whiffle ball in the front yard? A college mixer with 43 gorgeous Zeta Tau Alphas (or any of the sororities)? Pick a NUJMBER, a corresponding number. Why, one could even use that button when standing atop the scale. Pick a number, any number. Life should be like that, go back, yeah it should.
MENU. Hell to the yeah. Mom's Spanish Rice. Lovey Houston's 300 burger. JackStack's Poor Russ Pulled Pork Sandwich? Feed me Seymour!
You're in a conversation, well, someone is conversing with you and there ain't no way in hell they seem like they will allow you to get a word in... one place suggested you should take off a sock and hand it to the nonstop chatterer.. life with a remote control, simply push INPUT... or MUTE.. or EXIT.. or POWER!
Granddaughter's 1st grade music performance? 50th Class reunion,? Well this could be the last time. baby the last time.. HIT RECORD.
Feel like Colorado? The four dead guys in granite? Padre Island? A night at the Del Coronado? JUST HIT DIRECTION, swoooooooooooooosh.
Would love a great golf fore-some of buds? A cold one at the Corner Bar? A weekend at the Lake? JUST HIT FAV and your buddies will be there!
In seriousness, of course all of the above is not remotely possible. Yes damnit, pun probably intended. The very nice thing, I've found, about aging, is we do tend to react, live more like we're holding the remote control with our actions.
Life has 'learned us' to deduct, act much more swiftly so as not to relive errors of the past.
It would kinda be nice to be 12 again. Or 16, 21, 43. Actually though, this age is pretty special. If we even tried to go back, we would lose much of the memories, friendships, special moments, lessons learned.
Besides..... even if life did come with a remote, the aisle in WalMart would probably be completely out of AA and AAA batteries.
"For awhile there, it was kinda hard to tell which witch was witch." Samantha
Twinkle twinkle little star,
Get me outta here and take me far.
By Henry Gibson........... Forward by Endora, Gladys Kravits and Darwin.
Love, Victurd
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