First born. Middle child. I'm the baby, gotta love me. I was the 8th of 9 kids, "Gosh, did mom and dad even have time to work?" Sorry, kinda.
It begins, of course, with one's birthday. I was born on the 13th day of the month... so, excuse the heck outta me Jason, I've proudly worn, celebrated the 13th (even on Fridays) for years.
Social Security. Turn left if you don't want history. I guess, or, I read, originally, the first three digits (labeled 'Area') are based upon the applicant's mailing address, someplace I read "State." The next two numbers ("Group Number"), described as "Grouped numbers within an area, assigned in specific, non-consecutive sequences for administative purposes." Are you like me? (GOSH I HOPE NOT!).. I can read crap, and then reread it, and still have no idea whatinthehell it just said. Like that italicized sentence there. Baby headache this morning urges me "leave it alone as is Victor." OK, will. (SSN continued below, sorry)
The last four digits (Serial Number) from 0001 to 9999 I guess assigned in order within each group. Thanks, that, I can unnerstand. Then, after June 25, 2011 they changed all that crap above and assigned 'em randomly to prevent identity theft.
Victor? Yes? Is this whole damn blog gonna be about SSN's, cause if it is, I'm headed to IHop. No, but if you go, say hello the the waitress Eileen. We are hypnotized at birth to instantly be able to recall "what's your last four?".. That's a cinchy as learning Freddie's Scaramouche Scaramouche will you do the fandango. (SSN, done.)
Hire date. Holy crap. Sometimes, dweebs (VICTOR! THAT'S HATEFUL!).. sometimes, dweebs get preferential bidding, chores, pay, lots, based upon hire date. Sometimes dweebs are even promoted. VICTOR! (I'm beginning to agree with your fraternity brothers.)
Yeah, speakin' o them. Everyone, at least the fraternity I was in, everyone is assigned a number. One's entire pledge class, once you pass the test of Hell Week (that's a story for another blog, a brief snippet, it included giving mouth-to-mouth resuscitation to the carp that's in the toilet bowl) is assigned a number.. so, ALL the actives vote... it's horrific, mostly, and even worse than when ya got two captains in PE class and one by one kiddos are selected for a team.
Anyways........ I personally was lucky. Our Pledge class's first number was 844 (assigned to good buddy Nubert)... I got #845, but it's not what you think. By then (when I arrived at Billy Jewell), I'd already flunked outta two colleges... so.... I'm pretty sure I was old enough to buy beer for all... that weighed heavily in my selection of 845, who knows, the carp mighta liked my technique. The Actives, all thru Hell Week, would scream in your ear "WHAT'S MY NUMBER?" and if ya didn't know, they 'let you' wear a pink belly. On the last day of Hell Week, we'd all had maybe 4 hours of sleep for the week, one guy asked me what his number was... I guess "I don't give a sh*t" was the wrong answer... heck, who knows, maybe I woulda been #844 had I known!
1st grade, 2nd grade, 3rd grade.. etc... at some point, school ends. Real world ain't numbered, prolly should be. My own personal education (VICTOR, do we haveta?) Yes, get your own damn blog. Mine was 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 13, 14, 14, 15, 16, finally. (I very much enjoyed college, so, did both the freshman and sophomore years twice. Embarrassing you say? BS, it helped me get #845 because I could buy my buddies beer. I jest, but only some.
PE Class. Having grown up, like us all, and watching how wrongful it is, was, to have captains pick.... and have the dreaded "last one picked" known to all. I ended up teaching PE, so, I'd line em up, switch so and so around, and so and so.. then have 'em count off, they never were the wiser but it worked, sans tears.
What other numbers in our lives? 401K, right Pam? BP, aye yai yai, BMI, AYE YAI YAI. VICTOR, don't forget to tell 'em about Woody. OK, but wait your turn dude, your number will come up.
We got married (in a fever) on such and sucha date, AND DON'T YOU FORGET IT HENRY. Then there's 6,7 of which I have NO IDEA. Of course, 65, "Take this job and shove it", we're taking Social Security. Note to you whippersnappers who ain't that (65) yet. Plan ahead.There's a waiting month. If you say "I want my SS to start in October".. they'll say "OK" but then, you won't get a check until November. I guess it's the Waiting Month. I suppose they cut that check when you keel. Mebbe we can get a nicer urn with it, I dunno.
Then, there's Herkimer and his pickup line....... "You look just like my 6th wife!" GOOD LORD MAN, HOW MANY TIMES YOU BEEN MARRIED? "Five."
One is the loneliest number that you'll ever do.. Two can be as bad as one, it's the loneliest number since the number one.
We number, or label, our restroom proceedings. Days of the week, month, our years. Our age. We get our face smashed in the cake on the first birthday, the fender to mom and dad's car on our 16th, and some get smashed again at 21.
.
We dread 30, then 40, then fitty. 60 we look for discounts at places, 70, we send thanks for simply still being here.. I would say some can't wait for 48, but hell, some of you would get up and leave. Victor? Woody, tell 'em about Woody. Calm down Mister.
50 ways to leave your lover. 96 tears. 8 days a week. In the year 2525. Land of 1,000 dances, sing it Wilson!.. Mambo #5. 7 bridges road. 16 tons. 99 bottles of beer on the wall.
Golf scores. Restaurant ratings. 40 hours. Time and a half. Double time. Hup 2, 3, 4.
"Numbers don't lie. Women lie. Men lie, but numbers don't lie." Max Holloway
VICTOR! WOODY!
OK, there usedta be a dog track in Kansas City, KS.. (Kansas, now home to our Kansas City Chiefs, one too many States, but my opine only Schwabby).. you'd bet on dogs.. greyhounds. Win (1) Place (2) Show (3)... this mechanical thing would come, start, guide 'em around the track and the announcer would holler "HEEEEEEEEERE COMES WOODY!" No damnit Victor, not that Woody.
OK, but it's really not that interesting. Way back in the day, age 16, I worked for Woody's Appliance, an institution here in our little town. (There is NO TRUTH to the rumor i hooked up an icemaker to the hot water line. OK, maybe some truth.) Anyways, Woody knew, by looking, EXACTLY how much each appliance, record player, stereo, washer, dryer yada, cost - simply by looking at the box and what he'd written in Magic Marker on it. How so Victor? Did he write the cost on the box? (Too longa paragraph, see below)
No. He used BLACK HORSE. Huh? Uh huh, ten different letters. B was 1, L was 2, A was 3, C was 4, etc etc. So if he had LCH on a fridge...... his cost was $246. There was no set markup, it just depended upon the sales of the day... or I suppose Woody's mood (which was always good..) There, I told em about Woody and now they're all asleep. Happy?
"I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done." Steven Wright
I'd better go......... I've got to go #.........................
NVMD
Just a song before I go. There is also NO TRUTH that when I coached basketball, I entered EVEN numbers in the scorebook when we were wearing our ODD number uniforms. The game started with 5 technical fouls, one for each wrong number. Whenever I'd sub someone that hadn't been in yet, uh huh, another technical foul. Our manager did it. I just forgot to double check the book. My bad.
Love, Victurd
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