(But first.. I must relate, yesterday was a sad day in Mudville. My $50 laptop shot craps. Set me back. Oh well. Craigslist.. "$30 HP Laptop... Has Windows 10. Operates on AC only. But Fast." Perfect, it's me. That's a lot (for me) to spend, but I'll switch from Premium beer for awhile and buy Natty Light, somehow, I'll make it. Anyways.. bought it, nice fella. "It's wiped clean, you're good to go." Drove home, plugged it in and here I am. THEN, THEN, THEN, I get home and the first thing that pops up is a pop up (about a pop up, or lack thereof) a dadgum ED ad. "Remarketing" I think they call it when ads come up for something you've looked earlier. Mom, dad, please know, IT AIN'T SO! This laptop was wiped clean!)
Alexa.
Me. Tech stuff. They (IT people) hated me where I usedta work. Oh, they probably didn't, but, I can just hear them, after I'd hung up with a really stupid question about something easy, that, the normal 12 year old probably knows about and certain they'd laugh and laugh. The head IT guy even told me once, lovingly, they considered a "Class for tech dummies." Sign me up, I wouldn't be offended.
So, blue ray, no idea. Echo? Heard one at a canyon once. USB, I thought, was perhaps the next bridge over from the ASB bridge that crosses the river in KC. "Have you tried to reboot yet? YES, YES, I've tried to reboot." I know about clouds, in the sky. They mentioned something about 'cursor' and I told them I'VE BEEN EXTREMELY NICE TO YOU BUT IF YOU CALL ME THAT, I JUST MIGHT START, damnit. Icons, I assumed were the dudes with the big offices in executive row. I learned Spam was something other than that Hormel stuff in aisle 6 at the Piggly. Mebbe you get the idea, computers, scare me.
As I sat the other day, drinking my coffee, reading the paper at Mickey D's, I hear "Alexa, I need a plain sausage biscuit," WHAT? I knew they had begun automation, those kiosk things in the lobby, I seen 'em, at the drive thru window, push a button, a cup drops down, then ice, then enough Sprite to fill up a medium cup. I'd read they had a store in Fort Worth, the only employees were the cooks, the resta the jobs, including taking money, robots pushing food down a belt, to you. But I had no idea Alexa worked there.
So, not knowing anything about Alexa, I wiki'ed her. "Tasks such as voice interaction, music playback, creating to-do lists, setting alarms, streaming podcasts, playing audiobooks, providing weather, traffic, sports and other real-time information and news."
OK.
And............ I had heard, commercials I think, before, knew what her voice sounded like. Then, I heard from the counter back to the kitchen "Alexa, I need a bacon, egg and cheese biscuit for order #27." A voice from the kitchen says "I already put it in the bin." And, it wasn't that same Alexa voice that I know I'd know. It was a real, live, gal, named Alexa. (I wouldn't blame her if she wanted to one day 'divorce' her parents. A lifetime of bad jokes, being made fun of.)
Then, I thought, hell, if I were 30 years younger, I might ask Alexa out. OK, you're right, 40 years younger. Imagine the possibilities.
Further reading about Alexa, I learned she needed a 'wake-word', something as simple as 'Alexa wake'. I mean, wouldn't EVERY man LOVE to have the capability to have a wife with an on/off button? You could watch an entire NFL game. Read the paper in peace.
And I read s'more. I'd want her to understand what I was saying, as I read there are Alexa's with 'weak artificial intelligence' ... would mimick, remember things, perceive things, solve simple problems. And there are even Alexa's that are 'strong AI' that can think, learn and have a mind of it's own. Oh no no no, "I'll take the Alexa with the weak AI, NOT, the one that has a mind of it's own. Prolly a cheaper model anyways. So, I take a nap and start dreaming.............
I was dreaming I was sleeping, then, woke up. Alexa was asleep in her chair. That's where she sleeps. Well, most nights! She wasn't the little round hockey puck looking thing, she was a real life (looking), bonified hotty. I make coffee, read the paper, quick shower, oh damn, no towels. i holler "Alexa?" Crickets. Oh yeah, forgot, "Alexa, wake!" Yes? Can you bring me a towel please." Yes, sure. And, in a milliesec, towel, dried off. Best investment ever!
As she handed it to me, she could kinda see (ie, AI, perceive) a little gleam in my eye. Alexa, can you play a little Barry White? VICTOR! TMI! Oh, Ok, next paragraph... damnit.
She's been my Wonder Woman. She turns off the lights at night, locks the front door, sets my alarm, tells me tomorrow's weather. She can even figure out "Alexa, send Sonny 20 bucks. Open Dominos app and get us a large peperoni." She gives me reminders, "It's bowling night.... your tee time is at 10am tomorrow... there are three beers left in your 12 pack." Oh Alexa, I love you, now go take a nap, er, or, 'Alexa - sleep.'
Victor, you ARE a misogynist. It's a joke, only a joke, I was dreaming! Play along! She doesn't go to Kohls, UPS doesn't show up every week with the next Stitch Fix outfit, zero appetite, food cost. I didn't get the AI-strong model that could one day seek, ask for a divorce, so that ain't a worry. She was invented, not born, so.. that wipes out Inlaws. This is perfect.
She can tell me a joke, imitate Shaq, Melissa McCarthy or Samuel L. Jackson (Imagine the fun on Poker Night with the guys!
We could have frank talks. Alexa, I like big butts. You cannot lie. Good honesty is important. I suppose consternattion could happen. You know, like "Alexa, where's my dad?" He's at a Strip Club in Vegas. HA! Gotcha! He's sitting right next to me! Your mom's husband is sitting right next to you, your dad is at a Strip Club in Vegas. Damn daddy.
So, so much intrigue about Alexa. After McDonalds, I drove home. I got to thinking. At one of our guy functions (no, not a book club, or Sertoma's kinda thing) one guy was saying, "to figure out what age is too young of a gal for you to date, divide your age in two (35 1/2), then add 7 (42 1/2) and that's it." I thought that was ridiculous, and, I know that Alexa at McDonalds was no where even close to that. Maybe Amazon got her on there and that she did have a wake word. Maybe she was invented, not born. Oh well, nothing ventured, nothing gained. I drove back, luckily caught her when she was on break.
"Alexa, would you marry me?" She screamed, ran back to the manager, "THERE'S SOME REAL CREEPY OLD MAN OUT HERE IN THE LOBBY!" Darn. So I took that as a 'no', and, left.
I awaked from my dream.......
And then.. I lived happily ever after, blogged whenever I wanted, rode motorcycles, went fishing and hunting, played golf.. drank beer and scotch and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever I wanted.
The End
Love, Victurd
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