And that's pernounced "eww-knee-oops. Friends though call me Moe, and I/we are from the Planet Mogo.
Our spacecraft just landed in the middle of someplace called Kansas... ain't much to look at here, but, that's ok, our leader Hugo designated me, Moe, of Mogo... Hugo say "Moe, you go. Go study, learn all about this thing they call Sports."
So, we landed. Damn near hit onea them huge Mercedes Benz fans they got there in Kansas... and sure, I said "Hi. I'm Moe, from Mogo, here on behalf of Hugo, he say go-go, study sports. Take me to your leader."
They (folks with funny looking cartoon animals on their shirts) drove us back East a little bit, some town named Larryville I think it was... took us to this dude's office, somethingorother Self... "Here, he's our leader." He asked us, "Hey, wanna see our trophies?" Ahm, no. "Howabout our banners?" Ahhh, no thanks, we're here to learn about sports. This Self guy took us into an old building, it had to be nearly 70 years old... said "Hey, look up.. see them jerseys on the rafters? There's Wilt, Clyde, Jo Jo, Danny, we even got Lynette's up there." Interesting, but, are there any other leaders you can think of we could meet?
Mr. Self used his phone to holler at Tab with a Cab, but he was busy, so, he got us Goober, he's a driver for Uber. He pulled up, said "Hi, I'm Goober from Uber, hop in." We all piled in with Goober from Uber... he drove us to some lady's house in Florida... Knocked on a door.. Are you the leader? "Hi, my name is Nelly, and, I guess so.. I've won five golf tournaments in a row, I'm only the third to do that in History." Yeah? The hell is golf? "Come, I'll show you."
This lady Korda, first, I might add, she's a sight pertier than that Self fella... seems kind, humble too after winnin' five in a row. She took us to this REALLY lush place, had small, circular 'sandy beaches', some small lakes, finely cropped things she called 'fairways', and, then, this deeper stuff on the edges she called 'rough'. Back home, we call it "Ernie, mow your damn yard wouldya?"
This Korda lady demonstrated 'golf' for us. She took this long thing, looked like it had halfa axe blade on the bottom, she swiped it in a big ole circle... smacked this little bitty ball... went so fer, we couldn't see it.. but followed her as she walked. "My goal is to hit it into that hole on the green." We learned they have golf for men too, so we asked, do the fellas then hit, aim for the hole in the yellows? Ahm, no, they play greens too.
We decided to stay and watch some people play golf in order to allow us to let Hugo of Mogo know all about the sport. In a few short minutes, we learned cussing is allowed (and common)... you don't jump in the lake to fetch your ball, there are birdies - which, confused us as all we saw was some pelicans over by the lake, had nuttin to do with their golf. They had irons and woods, again, we're headscratchin, cause the woods were made outta iron too.
Ms. Korda you're been really kind... can you point us too another leader? "Sure." Up pulled a bus. Uh huh, you guessed it, driver's name Gus. We drove West, across some mountains, they call the Ozarks (much pertier than them Flint Hill things we originally landed in)... Got to this huge ole house, there was a golf hole in back, and also, what we learned was half'a football field. Fancy.
Knocked on the door. "Hi, I'm Patrick. Welcome to Mahome," and he kinda giggled this froggy laugh. "This is Brittany, and over here is Sterling, and that's Bronze." We were kinda amazed with all them gem names, Britanny wasn't named Gold cause she's perty just like Ms. Korda.
"We're gonna learn all about football." Patrick brought out this damn funny shaped thing HE called a ball. He threw a few in the back yard to some guy named Jackson... this is all very confusing.. he lives in a house with Gems.. takes this thing called a FOOTball, throws it (and we don't know how he did it 'cause he's got three HUGE gems on his hand), and the damn thing never touched his foot. Why FOOTball? In that kinda Kermit voice he again giggled, said, "Oh, that's something ButtKicker will have to show you." We didn't come with no weapons to protect ourselves, so, rather than get our butts kicked, we asked Patrick "Any other leaders?"
He had this thing in his ear (Patrick) no idea what it was, then, he said (to no one we could see) "Alexa, call a limo." Before we knew it, up pulls the limo (we meet the driver Jimbo).. There was only 5 of us, but Jimbo's got seats for 27. We figured maybe Patrick used the limo for totin' his football teams.
Jimbo announced I'm taking you to meet The Goat. Well, they call him The Goat, but he ain't really The Goat... The Goat is a fellow named Michael, but I'm taking you West to meet Lebron. We learned he plays basketball.
We drove back across Kansas... we'd seen a tad of 'basketball' there.. trying to figure out how to tell Hugo about it though.. they tried putting this big old ball in the basket, but, it never did stay cause it had a hole in the bottom. Korda's ball stayed in that hole, but none them basketballs stayed in the basket. We didn't worry about it much, cause we were too busy worrying about howinthehell Wilt, Clyde, Jo Jo, Danny, Lynette got dressed when their tops were clean up there on the rafters?
We fell asleep in the limo driving across Kansas. Musta been the sound of the fans... or all that damn hypnotic wheat, dunno. Long drive to LA but we made it.
Hi, I'm Lebron, welcome. Nice enough dude, dayum tall too. We wanted to make him feel good though, so we started with "Hey, just so you know, don't ever feel ba-ba-ba-bad about people calling you The Goat, cause Jimbo in the Limo told us the real Goat is some guy named Michael." Lebron turned his head kinda funny... but then said Ok, hey, lets go to the Crypto. We done paid Jimbo the Limo guy, but, got out our phones to pay this Crytpo thing. Lebron said It's cool, Crypto is where we play, hop in my Hummer. We did. It was electric, we never did hear humming. Confusing damn place, America.
Lebron, on the way to Crypto, said I actually love being called The Goat.. you see, I've scored more than ANYONE, EVER. Again, we scratched out heads..cause when this journey started way back in Kansas, onea the guys with the funny looking cartoon bird on his shirt had told us "Oh, btw, you'll see pictures of Wilt and he's scored more than anyone known to man." They'd giggled, but we didn't get it.
More tall dudes at the Crypto. We'd really already seen basketball...so Lebron had onea them ear things, called and got us a van. Uh huh, driver Stan.
Stan seemed nice enough. Another long, long trip. After a long, long nap, we all woke up at the same time, saw a sign "Lake of Three Fires".. .it was GORGEOUS.. we asked Stan, "Is this Heaven?" No, it's Iowa.
Stan took us to a cornfield. This is baseball Uni-oops. They call it Field of Dreams. We unnerstood, hell, it's a long drive from anywhere, anyone would fall asleep, have dreams getting there. We walked out on what they called the diamond. No one there. Allofasudden, some dude walks outta the rows of corn and says Hi, I'm Yogi. Yogi Bear? (Laughter) No, Yogi Berra, welcome. S'more dudes in pinstripes came out, started playing catch like Mahomes, but, the ball was smaller, round, and they didn't have no rings on their hand, only a glove looking thing on one hand.
Yogi, said lovingly, talked kinda funny. As we watched, he said You can observe a lot just by watching. We'd heard about Yankee Stadium, had wondered why Stan didn't take us there. Yogi said Nobody goes there anymore, it's too crowded. Strange. There weren't many seat to watch the game on this field. The future ain't what it usedta be Yogi said.
Yog' gave us a crash course in pitching, catching, bunting, baserunning, game strategy, lots, then he said Baseball is 90 percent mental and the other half is physical. The time had come - we were ready to go back to Mogo with our report for Hugo.
Stan was waiting in the parking lot for us. Yogi walked us to the van.. thanked us, we said our goodbyes... then Yogi told Stan when you're driving back to the spaceship in them Flint Hills and you come to the fork in the road, take it." Stan said thanks, we got in the van, he winked at us, said Don't worry, we've got GPS.
We was gonna compile some notes to share all we'd learned from them guys in coats with a funny looking cartoon bird on front, Mr. Self, Goober, Ms. Korda, Gus, Mahomes and them gems, Jimbo, Lebron the Goat, Stan, Yogi... but some blog writer named Victurd assured us there's no one still here reading, "they're all asleep" or, Googling "Take me to something funny, QUICK"... so, we might later.
Later, Uni-oops (aka Moe from Mogo.)
Love, Victurd
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