When you awaken in the morning, give a word of thanks. If you don't hear thanks..... well, nevermind.
Waddle, to the edge of the bed. Lay on your back. Throw/lift your legs up in the air as far as you can. Pull 'em down with all your might... the downard thrust of your legs will help offset the resistance of your increasingly big belly and you should be able to sit up. If you should find yourself flat on your face on the ground, remember tomorrow not to thrust your legs down quite so hard.
DO NOT look for your readers. Hell, it's gonna take five minutes just sitting on the edge of your bed before you'll be able to focus and see anywhere outside the bedroom.
Have a long pep talk. Think "I usedta do the 600 yard dash, the fitty yard dash, the shuttle run AND walk to/fro school back in the day. I've got this! Look up to the ceiling. Don't be intimidated. Remember, you usedto climb the rope to the ceiling, ring the bell, and make it thru the rest of the day.
Take a moment, before you get up to reminisce about all the pets you've had in your life... their names, faces, color, size, attitude, all... then call out their names one by one. Wait awhile, just to be sure before you get up, that they ain't there in the path to trip on, and, to reaffirm they're buried somewhere out back under the clothesline.
Exhale, fart or blow so you can thrust your body upward to stand, prepare for dizziness. Remember, you've survived dizziness many, many times. (Your 7th grade girlfriend... the model airplane you built but spilled the glue allover you, wife #1, wife #2.). VICTOR! OK, sorry, and just kidding but you get my drift.
Stand, walk. As you do, look for mirrors. Seeing one's self will help you recall that Whale Watching cruise you went on.... and, main thing, the Captain's advice, 'always, have three points of contact as you move about.'
Remember, it ain't a race to the john, but then again, you may be wearing the last clean pair of scivvies, so don't play golf, check Facebook, or watch the news/weather along the way. Think '3 points of contact', but too, use the 4th (if you know what I mean) to keep from having to clean, mop the floor later.
Make coffee. As you do, peek at the pic of Stan Musial, #6 that you taped to the coffee jar to remind you, '6 teaspoons of coffee.' Add water, turn the switch on, 3 point back to your computer chair. Once sitting, throw away the top reminder on the notepad to 'switch the coffee on'.
Count to forty. This will give you confidence in your cognitive functioning. Return to notepad. "Lordy Lordy it's 40, the best part of waking up is Folger's in your cup. The coffee is ready." Throw note away, 3pt to coffee, pour, 3pt back, should you spill, burn cream is in third drawer of that ten drawer thing you bought at the Thrift Store just to the left of the computer.
Turn the news on. Turn the computer on. Login to Facebook. It is suggested you use the same password for everything (Facebook, email, bank, utilities, yada). Use something catchy, like your favorite ballplayer, his number... names of three pets buried under the clothesline, maybe the names of a couple of your grandkids - using one capital letter, 5 or 6 lowercase, and one 'special character.' Should you forget and cant login to Facebook. 3 pt it back to bed for nap #1, awaken, lay on back, thrust legs, sit... then, remember, password is written on the underneath side of the notepad.
Should the day come your bank account is compromised and you must change your password(s), enlist the help of one of your smarter, younger relatives to help - as that simply juggling too much at our advanced age.
Coffee = constitution, and it's Constitutional Law to never use your computer/drink coffee further than ten steps to the john. TP should be stored somewhere enroute and if you must, use your 4th point to grab a new roll. (Yes, that might entail having to mop around there after.)
3 pt back to puter. Make list to take to Piggly Wiggly. After making a list, check it twice, no, not for naughty or nice, but, can you read the damn thing? Once that's confirmed, take a picture of it with your phone for it's sure as hell you'll leave the list on your note pad. Our mommas didn't raise no dummies.
Dress, not business casual, but, weather appropriate. At our age, colors, stripes, prints, don't matter. Comfy is key (and zippers up, that helps). Grab keys, buillfold (smokes, lighter) go to car.
No need to GPS to Piggly, you've lived here since 1959, but, it's always nice to have phone in case caller ID comes up with someone you getta think "Oh hell no" or, to check Facebook periodically. Put on right turn signal, pull over to curb. Nope, ain't here. Backtrack to house, grab phone, repeat earlier steps. Dummy.
Pull into Piggly.That ding, oh, turn off turn signal now. Find motorized scooter with at least 50% battery charge. Go. Challenge fellow geezers to a race (it's preferred they even weigh more than you, increases your odds.) Remember Always Save brand Always sucks, Best Choice still saves money over namebrand we-adverstise-like-crazy thus, prices high.
If you're up for hijinks, (shouldn't ALL old farts be up for hijinks?) wear your Bud Ice Tee Shirt but place masking tape over the "Bud' part. Hang out for a bit in front of the Express Lane... Should you see someone with MORE than ten items, immediately honk horn on geezermobile, approach, and ask them for some type of documentation (passport, Green Card, work permit, visa, yada.). Piggly Wiggly card will not do! If their kid starts bawlin', or, the manager looks at you funny, back off... smile and drive away.
Once you get home, get the groceries put away, it's ok if you find that you forgot your to wear your teeth to Piggly. That's prolly why that kid was bawling. Besides, Ice agents always wear masks. OK, I gotta go. Grocery shopping is one large task for one day, and always entails a second nap.
Tune in tomorrow when we'll go over the proper way to dispose of an entire green bean casserole... a way it's guaranteed you'll be the scorekeeper in your next golf foursome.. and, or, fun, hilarious things to say to telemarketers. Life, occasionally is boring, levity leads to longer lives.
Now what was your name again, and why are you here, and why on Earth would you think I'd have any idea why your checkenginelight is on?
Count your tree rings, and your Blessings,
Love, Victurd.
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