Jolly good......

 Elijah Ezekiel Edmund Edison finally got his complete name finished on his Big Chief tablet the 3rd Quarter of his 2nd grade year. The kids made fun, he didn't care - he looked at life as a party, why get mad when laughter feels so much better?

Elijah dreamed of putting on a Major League uniform one day. Living two doors down from Tank Zernok, they played catch, hit flies to each other, and over the course of their childhood, played 'pepper' 11,487 times, but who's counting. Elijah's 'career' led him to be the quintessential JV player. His senior year in High School, he finally made the varsity, basically because Seniors couldn't play on the JV. He would only enter the game if his team was 10 runs up, or 10 runs down. Tank, however, led the conference in batting average, doubles, triples, stolen bases, and his home run total of 34 was the second best EVER in the entire State. Each, and every homer (double, triple, stolen base, yada) Tank would be met by the first in line to greet him, clean uniformed Elijah. You would think Elijah would have no finger prints or hand prints left after having high-fived Tank so many times.

The end of the season happened, a baseball banquet was held.  Second place finish in State, pretty darn good. Nearing the end of the banquet, the Coach had a special announcement. "In addition to Tank being named, All Conference, All District, All State - I'm here to announce he's just been offered a contract by the Cincinnati Reds!" Elijah was the first to stand, the first to "WOO HOO!", and soon the entire crowd joined him. Tank, laid back, sem-shy, partially embarrassed by all the attention made a short speech.  He thanked his parents, his teachers, his coaches, all the fans/students and finished with "I am here to tell you, I would not be here if it weren't for my best bud, Elijah!" More hooping and hollering, Elijah let out the very biggest smile he'd ever had, and that was pretty damn big because he was ALWAYS smiling.

Arnie, Elijah's coworker at the printing factory - became Elijah's 2nd 'BFF'. Daily, Elijah would swing by Arnie's house to pick him up for work. In 100 degree temps, pouring rain, slip sliding away ice,  and even in tornadic threatening storms. (Blog writer's edit:  They underlined 'tornadic' indicating it ain't a word... should be.) Arnie had medical issues through no fault of his own and missed many days early in his career. Elijah always picked up the slack and would call Arnie after to work to check on hm. Arnie, over the years, slowly arose through the ranks, lead, manager,  VP, and ultimately President/Plant Manager of the entire company. Elijah kept the same position for years and years, but he did it better than anyone the company ever had. One day Arnie called him in his office, Elijah walked in the door, offered that smile of all smiles to his buddy - Arnie proceeded with "Elijah, I simply want to thank you. I wouldn't be here if it were not for your devotion, stability and friendship."  A smile wider than Texas came upon Elijah's face.. "Oh thanks Arnie, but you'll never know how much fun you've given me with your friendship."

That was Elijah.  Doing for others, but always wanting to remain in the back row, outta the limelight, yet lighting up the room with his smile.

Elijah would have that effect (or, blog writer always confused, wonders if that should be affect, "sorry Mrs. Pugh, HS English teacher.") for anyone who met, befriended him. He was friend, confidant to the cashier at QT, the guy who oiled the lanes at Stanley bowl, to his cousins, his siblings, folks, the neighbor kids, coworkers, teammates, yada.  His take on life was bend, never break, and that included a persistent smile, no matter.

Later in life, Elijah would get sick.  He battled for many a year.  Arnie made it so he could work from home and he never missed a payday, had continuous health insurance.

Doc Henson called Tank one day, then Arnie, then Elijah's oldest brother.  A turn for the worse. Devastation to them all. They all gathered and decided upon a special retirement party for Elijah. Phone calls were made to all the guys on the HS baseball team, all the employees at the plant, the QT lady, all his family members, the guy who oiled the lanes at the Stanley bowl, many.

They decided to keep it a secret. Thursday, at 4pm exactly, they all met in front of Elijah's house on 6th Street. Elijah's folks welcomed them in.  Marching back to the Elijah's bedroom, once they got there, they noticed scads of pics on the walls, virtually each and every one in the crowd had their smiling mug on the wall. That was Elijah.  It's about you, not me.

One by one they moved through the line to offer congrats.  It was easy to see Elijah was dealing with some pretty severe pain, but each and every tear of those in line was met with that beautiful, everpresent smile of Elijah's.

Over the years, Elijah Ezekiel Edmund Edison had experienced bullying, laughter, making fun of his name, yada.  He took it in stride, with smile. Their memories of Elijah rapidly ran through their brains while they all awaited the chance to congratulate Elijah. One by one came to the realization Elijah had taught them more than they could ever repay him for.  His friendship, his loyalty, his jovialness was unmatched.

He loved them all.  Equally, no matter if you were the starting shortstop for the Reds, the Plant manager, the cubicle mate, the QT lady, bowling alley dude, of course friends and family. "Four E" as he was known, and certainly teased about over the years, never regretted for once his folks adorning him with all those E's. (Ezekiel and Edmund were his grandfather's names, and he was Edison proud of that.)  No one knew exactly how to end this party. It was pretty evident Elijah's party of life, was nearing an end.

Finally Tank stepped forward. He looked to his right, and to his left, and started to sing "Four E's a jolly good fellow, four E's a jolly good fellow."  Trite? Not on your life, it was heartfelt. One by one they joined in. Tears were the order of singing the song.  Not Elijah.  A smile brighter than the lights at the McGregor HS Ballfield came across his face.  

Of course, Elijah thanked each and every one. Of course it couldn't be about him, as always, it was about them.

Four E's a jolly good fellow.  A pretty damn good life to live, example to follow.

Love, Victurd

Before the birds gather.......

A wondrous time of year.  Families gleefully riding across America for one more family fling before it's back to school.  The pennant race in baseball is heating up, across the land hope is renewed, heightened for High School, College, and NFL teams as pigskins fly.

We wave goodbye to Summer, slap on a jacket, light a bonfire and welcome Fall.  We can't hurry Mother Nature, but we also can't wait for the beauty of the reds, orange, bright yellows that trees provide for our hungry eyes.

Then, there's Homecoming. While Janis belts out A Piece of My Heart, planes, trains and automobiles carry folks 'home',  where lives a piece of our heart, and we have another peek at where we grew up, who we grew up with, and my, how we did grow up, and many of us, (blessed to be) old.

I am biased.  If Norman Rockwell had traversed across the land, I feel quite strongly he would have setup an easel somewhere around the Square of our town, a hill, sandwiched between two hills, one, the majestic old buildings of William Jewell College, to the East,  and - the hill on the West side, the good ole High School where we once had spring in our step and hope in our future.

S'more bias, our town hosts "an all school reunion" in September every third year, and, my opine, it's special.. Due to Covid, it's been five years since our last reunion. We finally will gather again this September 10th. The old High School was built in 1920-something, and it was last used as a High School in the early 1970's.  Each graduating class has a designated area on The Square for their class to gather. The 'young sprites' of the class of '74 gather in the Southeast corner of the Square... The Bluejay is/was our mascot, and a lifesize Bluejay with the #74 stands in the stall of the folks there.

From there, ya walk North and find the Class of '73....  then '72, '71' and '70, each, with a life size Bluejay designating their spot. There are fairly good size crowds for those classes.  Then ya have to turn the corner back West on The Square for the continuation of the classes chronologically, '69, '68', '67, etc... For the people that graduated in the 60's and 70's, most are afoot and ones gather in a circles discussing their Senior Float, Senior prank, love interests, and "say did you hear so-and-so passed?"  "Damn, no, I didn't."

Next, you turn back South, to find folks that graduated in the 50's.  It's a calmer pace, most are sitting, and one might even bring the '54 Chevy they had driven to school in back in the day.  The groups are smaller, nonetheless just as happy to gather, relive.  

The 40's.  Not many in their spots.  What started on the East side of the Square with a lot of spacing between the '74 and '73 Bluejay mascots, the signs in the 40's' and 50's are closer together.  Attrition.  Nature. Growing old.  Dying out.  Life, sometimes, sucks.

Then, you turn the corner back to the East and there are Bluejay signs gathered labeled '39, '38, '37 and so forth.  There is virtually no space between the signs where the Bluejays are gathered, and at the last reunion we had, virtually no folks there to reminisce.

Time happens.  In fact as we round the Square of life, it's now been decided to invite the classes from 1975 to 1985 so we once again can have big crowds.

A lap around the Square is a happy, sad thing. It goes from bursting energy, to mostly standing, a few sitting.. to all sitting.. to literally walkers, canes, afflictions..  to the 30's, where the birds gather.  We move from bikes, to SUV's, to Station Wagons, to Hot Rods... Rap to rock to at the hop to big bands.

There we are in our 60's, 70's, 80's...  all, reliving, remembering when our heart was 17.

On a sunset hill of glory see our High School rise..  Ornate, beautiful and spacious pointing to the skies..  Liberty High School live for ever and true to the we'll be.. may the coming years but deepen, our great love for thee.... (Or something like that!).....

May we all, love, gather, reminisce, hug, see old flames, have hearts race.. allow eyes to meet to remind us of the acts, goofy stuff, wonderful stuff we did back in the day.

I pray for us all, health, happiness, do good and love - and with a heart that's like 17........

Before the birds gather.

Love,Victurd

Go to sleep....... little creep......

We talk and talk and talk about our occupations - which, at least during the week, take up 1/3rd of our lives.  We talk and talk and talk about our relationships, lack thereof, kids, grandkids, hobbies, yada, that occur in the 1/3 of the time we ain't at work.

Not sure I've ever heard a conversation around a table about sleep - but, we do that, sleep, roughly 1/3rd of our lives.

Ever eat a pine tree?  I'm sure giraffes probably have, and maybe that's a reason they only need 1.9 hours of sleep a day.  Brown bats, on the other hand, cave into sleep for 19.1 hours per day.

Huh?  Us?  Oh, newborns 14-17 hours per day, all at once, right mom/dad?  Pre-schoolers 10-13 hours.. teenagers 8 to 10... adults 7 to 9... and us, geezers, 7 to 8.  I read statistics that equated lotsa sleep for old folks to major health problems, but, it's too damn late in life to get bent outta shape about that.

Speaking of shape.  How do you sleep?  Most people sleep in the 'foetus position' which I ain't never heard of but, it's on one's side, curled up.  There's studies of everything nowadays, but, studies show these folks are tough, but with sensitive souls, and generally shy.

Me?  I am 'the log'. On one's side.  Supposedly relaxed and social.  'Starfish', those spread-eagled on their back are reported to be good listeners, make friends easily but, don't like to be the center of attention.

Freefallers.  Are you a freefaller, ie, sleep on your front?   If so, odds are you are brash and gregarious, confident, BUT, respond badly to criticism.  Would it be legal for someone in HR to ask "Ahm, how do you sleep at night?  Back? Side?  Tummy?  Toss that resume' in the trash, she/he sleeps on his/her front.

'Soldiers' (on back) generally have high standards.  A 'Yearner' is similar to a log (on side, but with hands raised up).. these folks are suspicious and cynical.  Another resume' to trash.  

What?  What else did your 45 minute Google study learnya about sleep?  I'm glad you asked.  1 in 4 married adults sleep in different beds. I would assume a locked door means makes it easier than having to say "not tonight honey."

 2/3rds of a cat's life is spent snoozing.

People have done weird things during sleep.  Yeah?  Yeah.  Like?  Like drive a car. Dismantle a grandfather clock. Cheat on a diet. Fix a meal. Texted (usually nonsensical).   Been known to sit up in bed and conduct an orchestra.  Hurl ones self out the window.  Murder.  Yep. In the year 2,000 alone there were 68 of 'em.

And, have sex.  Yes, true. It's even got a name, sexsomnia.  Was it good for you Susie??  Susie? SUSIE!!!!!!!! WAKE UP FOR GOODNESS SAKES!

Deaf folks are known to use sign language in their sleep.  Talking folks can get chatty in their sleep (2 outta 3 people do.)  Untrusting mates over the years have listened and listened for them to spill the goods, but what's said is normally nonsensical, not real.

The record for sleep is 11 days.  So, on Halloween, you could call your boss and say, "Oh hi Stan...I'm gonna take a bit of a sleep.. I'll be back to work on November the 12th, take care."

We 'fall' and then twitch during sleep.   We can awaken to temporary paralysis (normally caused by sleep deprivation.)  Deep sleep for most is maybe like a Friday night for me after 3 beers - moral and rational decision making does not occur.

Naps.  March 14 is "National Napping Day."  I call BS. January, February...yada.. November, December are inclusive of Nap Day.  More men nap than women.  They didn't give any reasoning behind this.. ya think more brain cells that need rest, or less?  The Japanese tell us consuming caffeine before a nap is the best way to increase alertness.  "Ahm boss, gonna grab a coffee, back in 45 minutes or so."

A 20 to 30 minute nap can increase our alertness.

A 40 minute nap can improve performance by 34%. (They didn't mention sexsomnia on this.)

A 60-minute nap can boost our alertness for up to 10 hours.

A 60 to 90 minute nap helps our learning process.

Well, hit the bed Fred, or something like that.  I'm gonna copy and paste those nap stats on the fridge.

Ben and Jerry's, Uber, Zappos and Google allow napping during the work day.  Uber?

Band camp. One day at work, phone rang. Boss.  "Are you asleep?" NO, why?  Someone just came and told me you were asleep in your cubicle?  I'm like, 'what the hey, why didn't they just tap me on the shoulder insteada running to my boss?' I think it was Margaret from Leave It To Beaver.  Forgive me Father, I told a white lie.  "I'm sorry, I was watching my infant grandkid, who is sick.. I got like maybe two hours of sleep last night."

It's scientifically proven, if you read a boring old blog like checkenginelight, you'll go to sleep somewhere halfway though...

I lived with a sleepwalker. Honest, she was trying to get out the window one night.  She was astounding, she could sleep in upright sitting position on the couch from sometime during the Jimmy Kimmel show to 3am when I awakened and got her to come to bed.

We've all probably done goofy stuff in our sleep.  I do take my phone to bed with me -  and I play Sudoku until the peeps close.  Oft times I'll inadvertantly change settings on my phone, awaken to a new screeen saver, do not disturb is on, and, I've called my eyedoctor at 3:07am (true).

Please enjoy your day, and hopefully we can all retire at night counting our blessings (as well as dogs, cats, kids in the bed with us) and fall fast asleep.

I'm going to go to my standard 'log' position for 30 minutes or so before I go to work.

Good day, 

Love, Victurd

Don't think twice, it's alright.......

It ain't no use to sit and wonder why babe... 

64 years ago.......  Philadelphia.  The Phillies versus the New York Giants. (Baseball...).. 

Richie Ashburn, star centerfielder at the plate.  Richie was a thorn in the side to pitchers..  He'd foul off pitch after pitch, often working the count to his favor, for either a walk a base hit on a grooved fastball.

On this day, he was well into his at bat when he fouled anudder down the third baseline.  It so happens to have hit a spectator - Alice Roth, and she was hurt pretty badly.  Smack dab in the nose, blood everywhere - Phillie's personnel attempted to get her broken nose to stop bleeding as the onhand ambulance crew carried a stretcher down the stadium stairs to fetch her.

Twas so intense, the game actually stopped until it was deemed she wasn't going to pass out, and she was strapped in comfortably to the stretcher.  As paramedics toted her upstairs, the ump signaled "Play Ball" and the pitcher winged another toward Ashburn. Richie, doing what Richie do, hit another foul ball, yes, down the third baseline, and yes... as Alice was being carried up the stairs, the ball hit her smack dab in the knee.  Don't think twice it's alright.

Alice had her grandsons with her... Her hubby was a sportswriter - he was up in the booth..  He cared for the grandkids as Alice was taken to the hospital.  The Phillie ballclub felt horrible about this - and, after the game ended - invited the two grandsons into the Phillie locker-room, gave them free tickets to a future game and autographs of any players they so desired.

Ashburn was basically your "really good guy." He felt horrible.  He visited Alice later that night in the Hospital as well as several nights thereafter.  They became fast friends - and every year he'd send her both a Christmas card and a Birthday card until her death 30 years laster.

The evening of the "I got hit by foul balls TWICE"... Alice's hubby brought the grandkids to see her in the Hospital. They were ultra excited about getting to go into the clubhouse, see the players - and they showed Granny Alice the autographs they collected. One of the lads, sitting on the edge of Granny Alice's bed, asked "Grandma, do you think you could go to an Eagles game (NFL) and get hit in the face with the football?"

Don't think twice, it's alright.

Love, Victurd

The rain disdain stays mainly in the sane.......

By George I think something's amiss there!

Tain't rained for 20 days here in Kansas City.  Raining now. Yum.  

Weather, whether you agree or not, is kinda like life.  I guess I'm writing down memories so one day I can look back, if I can still read, and observe, just who in the heck am I, was I, were I.

I remember rain in Little League, like "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!".... I remember rain as a bonified airline suitcase thrower = YUCK!  You can dress for cold.. You can take off for hot.  There ain't no escape from rain.

I remember that rain makes you feel alive.  Yep.  You're out and about, an unexpected shower happens, and as it happens, it intensifies...  ya head for shelter - but, ya end up drenched from head to toe.  If you remember when this has happened, once safe haven has been reached, smiles abound.  Rain makes one feel.  Titilating. Rain is like a flashmob, a grandkid's smile, a knowing glance at your mate across the way... the wagging tail of a hound pooch. (Shiver me timbers, and unplanned wet T-shirt contest!)

Much like drugs, food, sex, video games, work, idleness, yada - too much of it (rain) is poopy. It'll make your basement flood, your crops grow and then die (with too much.)

Hello Mudda, hello Faddah.. Here I am at Camp Grenada..  Camp is very entertaining, and they say we'll have some fun if it stops raining.

All across the land, raisins (that's fancy for old farts like me) will gather the morning after at McDonalds, the local mom/pop diner, Hy-Vee dining rooms - and compare... "I live halfway to Kearney, we got 2.7 inches last night."  "Gladstone, we got a little under an inch and a half." "Just a sprinkle down around Belton." We measure much in life.  Happiness.  Wealth.  Love.  Possessions.  Giving. Exercising.  Calories.  Rain. Rain, it be like life.

Take me home, oh Muddah, Fadda..  Take me home, I hate Grenada.. Don't leave me out in the forest where, I might get eaten by a bear.

Rain is religious.  My granny used the margins of her Bible to record (unusual occurrences.) "Rained half a foot in Mokane yesterday, shut the main highway down for two days, July 7, 1958."

Rain paints.  Makes grass green.  Cornstalks grow and ultimately turn yeller. Radishes, strawberries, beets, cucumbers, a plethora of the color wheel.

Fellow raisins, we curse at rain.  A golf ball that would normally travel 197 yards, will only go 164 yards immediately after the rain ends. 

The AM/FM dial brings us rain songs.  Or, Spotify, Pandora, iTunes, iHeart, Youtube, GooglePlay, Bubba Shrimp, Sirius, yada yada.  Have you ever seen the rain?   Rainy days and Mondays always get (some) me down.

The Temps want, look forward to rain:  "Sunshine, blue skies, please go away.. my girl has found another, and gone away..  With her went my future, my life is filled with gloom....so day after day I stay locked up in my room.. I know to you it might sound strange, but I wish it would rain."

Dearest Fadduh, darling Muddah.. how's my precious little bruddah... Let me come home if you miss me.. I would even let Aunt Bertha hug and kiss me.

John and Paul offered "If the rain comes, they run and hide their heads.. they might as well be dead.. if the rain comes.. if the rain comes..."  There's a song about Purple Rain but reckon I'm sheltered, ain't never seen that.  Poor BJ can't get away, the raindrops keep falling on his head.

The Eurythmics, not to be confused with "Listen to the rythm of the falling rain", tell us, "Here comes the rain again."

Rain can make driving hard to see.. roads slick.. hydroplaning.. folks complaining.. Ahm, it could be worse.. A little over a hunnerd years ago, folks rode horses, how bout them reins?  Makes your saddle itchy don't it....

I kinda likes the smell of rain on 120 degree asphalt. 

There's all kindsa people. Dems, Pubs, innies/outties, Yankee fans, Dodger fans, other fans, saggers, raisins with their belt buckles up over their innies/outties, People that speak different languages.  Kings, queens, pawns, commoners, Class systems, some folks even with no class. There's homeless, Castles, RV'ers, those that live in tents.  Different takes on rain, all. Some love it, some hate it, some get too much, many, never enough.  Rain is kinda interesting. Makes rivers rise, gets creeks outta their beds, crappies bite (I have no idea if that's true, ain't a fisherman). Oceans continuous.  Can make hydroelectric power.

There's a dictionary and a half of terms:  atmospheric water vapor, irrigation, ecosystems, fronts, cumulonimbus, rainbands (Somea them we already focused on their lyrics), upslope flow, monsoon, particles, drops,  hail, sleet, snow, freshwater, hurricanes, tsunamis, acid rain, rainforests, swamps, deserts, Bubba Shrimp rain.

Baseball games gotta go 5 full innings (Ok, 4 and a half if home team ahead) before being rained out.  Don't rain on my parade as we've already addressed how sucky rain is on horseback.

Well I'll be go to hell.  (Why do people say that?  Urban Dictionary indicates one is reacting to something interesting or surprising. I looked around, didn't find much interesting here, but I am surprised.)

You see (well... I didn't.)  You see I was typing this 24 hours ago... The rain, combined with thunder, knocked out the electricity of half of us folks who live in this town.  (Stevie, I think she's a witch, or so I heard, says "Thunder only happens when it rains.).. After the rainy night in Georgia and here and the lights went out..I was bein' smart (finishing this blog), I turned on the flashlight function of my phone (I kissed it, ha) and I finished this damn blog.  I made a few errors, but, figured I would correct them once lights, tv, wifi, came back on.

Well I'll be go to hell.  What this simpleton (me) missed was...... all that typing, finishing this blog, hell's bells the wi-fi was down, NONE of it was recorded - so, I get here this morning, there's 2/3's of a blog.  Sunny Beach.  Well, kinda sunny I guess. High in the 70's today, yum.

In summation, rain is wonderful, sucky, necessary, has a mind of it's own, a little goes a long ways, a lot makes your car float down the road a long ways.  It's invicorating, fun, unsuspected, expected, scary, cool to watch, listen to, cold, you can't escape it..  basically.  RAIN IS LIKE LIFE.

Wait a minute, it's stopped hailing.  Guys are swimming, guys are sailing.  Playing baseball, gee that's bettah, Muddah, Faddah kindly disregard this blog.

By Henry Gibson..    Foreward by Allan Sherman, Fred Broski, Dan Henry and Brian Busby

Love, Victurd

That's life...... in song.

 I really don't remember much...... It was dark.  I was comfy.  It's where I learned to be lazy.  The sounds from around were kinda sorta indistinguishable, but I remember hearing a fairly deep voice singing "You're having my baby, what a lovely way of saying how much you love me."....

Again, I really don't remember much..  dark, lazy, completely happy.  Then, parts happened.  I was becoming some kinda being.

"Head and shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes.. head, shoulders knees and toes, knees and toes.. and eyes and ears and mouth and nose.."  This is kinda exciting, I think I thought.  I must have a brain too, I think I thought.

I hear this faint voice.. a girl, I would learn later.. my sister, they'd tell me.. She was only five, but I recall her saying "I'm so tired, tired of waiting for you.. so tired, tired of waiting for you.".... It was rewarding to hear that, seems she really really did love me.. I loved her too. I think, though, she tickled mom's belly 'cause she kinda sorta teased me for many, many a year.  All in good fun.  Yeah, fun.

We headed toward some place called a hospital.  I ain't been to school yet, but little by little I picked up a word here and there... and it must be a good place 'cause I remember the word hospitable.  

Then, I was in this room.  Folks gathered around.  Joy, fear, trepidation. Them's lotsa combined feelings.  I kinda remember thinking "You shake my nerves and you rattle my brain."   Then I started movin.  I've always moved, kicked, punched, maybe bit a time or two with my gums, but I ain't never moved North or South.

Don't be afraid ma'am.  Push, push. I'm down here ready.  "Catch a falling star and put it in your pocket, never let it fade away."......................................................

WOAH!  HERE I GO!  "Slip sliding away...slip sliding away.. you know the nearer your destination the more you're slip sliding away..."

And then...............

I was "BLINDED by the light...  Revved up like a duece (which I later would learn is a reference to the badass 1932 V8 powered Ford).. another runner in the night." Bright lights!

HEYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!  WHAT'D YOU SPANK ME FOR?  I DIDN'T DO NUTTIN'!

"I really can't stay... baby it's cold outside."

"Now hold me tight, tell me I'm the only one and then I might, never be the lonely one."  Well honey, of course I will hold you tight, but remember "I'm so tired, tired of waiting"?  You've got a sister and OH she loves you.

"STOP, in the name of love, big girl you break my heart.. think it oh over......."

It was crazy. "But there I was.... I was taken to a place...  Naked to the world, in front of, every kind of girl.  There was long ones, tall ones, short ones, brown ones, black ones, round ones, big ones, crazy ones."

They wound me up in something like what a burrito (I would later learn) looked like.  "Turn out the lights... the party's over."   Rest, I'm finally getting rest.  Dark too, THANK YOU.

Then, in the background, they play this music they tell me they play every time a kid is born.. "Lullaby and good night, with roses bedight. With lillies o'er spread is baby's wee bed. Lay thee down now and rest, may the slumber be blessed."  But then i hear that wonderful deep voice (my pops I'd learn later), teasing me from the get go.. He changed the words.. which, I was kinda thankful 'cause I too would get to sing them some 30+ years later......."Go to sleep...  little creep" Brahms Lullaby, Bud Schultze version.

"They shook my nerves and they rattle my brain.  Goodness gracious great balls of fire."  Well, it's a tad too early to learn about that one.. come back in fitteen or so years and maybe we'll visit.

I finally get out of the burrito costume. Now I'm in a onesie.  YUCK.  Maybe why I love summer so much, gimme shorts, a t shirt and sandals any ole day.  We get to this place called home. "Take me home, country roads" but, in St. Louie proper there really weren't many country roads, but, we arrived.

After a few months of observation, it was deemed I was 'accident prone' whatever that is.  "I get knocked down, but I get up again, you're never gonna keep me down."

We had a sandbox.  MY sandbox. "I says 'hey, you, get off of my cloud..hey, you, get off of my cloud,... hey, you, get off of my cloud... don't hang around 'cause TWO's a crowd on my cloud, baby."  You gotta learn to play with others Victor. OK mom, thanks, and I will, but... I've been drinkin' milk for a loooooooooong time now, anything else on the menu?

Mom, dad, and that girl, my sister.. tried to learn me... "A, B, C.. it's easy as 1, 2, 3.. as simple as Do, re, mi.. A, B, C.. 1, 2, 3.

Kiddygarten? I gotta go?  "We don't need no education..we don't need no thought control... no dark sarcasm in the classroom...hey, teacher.. leave them kids alone."

I CAN'T DO THIS!  "You just hop off the bus, Gus."

HEY, then we started playing a game.. Maybe this ain't so bad.   "Ring around the Rosie.. Pocket full of posies.. ashes, ashes, we all fall down!"  The tricksters!  Twenty-some years later I would learn this was about the bubonic plague in London...the posies were to control the stench from rotting bodies.. and the ashes were about the cremated remains.  Ahhh... YUCK!

Then we sang "Old McDonald had a farm.. Ee I ee Io.. and on this farm he had some cows.. Ee I ee I oh.. with a moo-moo here..."  WAIT!  I remember the dadgum bubonic plague song.. i've been drinking milk for what seems like a decade, PLEASE tell me this ain't gonna be about poison milk is it?

Slowly.. I'm learning.. about life.. trust.. no trust.. Lucy pulling the football away from Charlie.. bubonic plagues.. next thing ya know they'll prolly vaccinate us for sumpin.  "Well I know what's right.. I got just one life.. In a world that keeps on pushin' me around.. but I'll stand my ground.. and I.. won;t back down."

"SCHOOL'S OUT FOR THE SUMMER!"............... 

"I got a beat up glove, a homemade bat..and a brand new pair of shoes..  You know I think it's time to give this game a ride... Just to hit the ball and touch 'em all a moment in the sun.. It's a gone and you can tell that one goodbye.. OH PUT ME IN COACH, I'm ready to play, today.  Put me in coach, I'm ready to play, today.. look at me, I can be, centerfield." (Or pitcher, cather, first base, second, I don't care, just lemme play.)

And then...... 'Well I saw her face.. now I'm a believer."......"Ya got me goin' in circles."..   "She put a spell on me..."..   "Standin' in the sunlight laughing.. hiding 'hind the rainbow's wall.. slipping and sliding.. all along the waterfall with you..  a brown-eye girl.. you.. a brown-eyed girl."

VICTOR!  Stop staring at Susie... you missed that ground ball!   Oh, sorry coach.. I'll never stare at another girl as long as I live..   uh huh....

"Thank heaven for little girls.. for little girls get bigger every day.. .thank heaven, for little girls, they grow up in the most delightful way..  those little eyes so helpless and appealing, when they were flashing, send you crashing through the ceiling.. thank heaven for little girls... without them what would little boys do."

This.  This completes the first ten, maybe fitteen years of my life.  Thanks for riding with me thus far.  "Low rider don't use no gas now. (Important nowadays). Low rider don't drive to fast.  Take a little trip, take a little trip, take a little trip and see... take a little trip.. take a little trip, take a little trip with me."

Tune in tomorrow.. or next Friday.. or whenever in the hell I get around to completing my life story in song.

Of course, lightbulb, women. I've found women.  What on Earth could go wrong?

"Follow the yellow brick road..  follow the yellow brick road."

"I said that's life.. (That's life).. And as funny as it may seem, some people get their kicks, stomping on a dream, but I don't let it, let it get me down.. cause this fine old world, it keeps spinnin' around.. 

I've been a teacher, a coach, a suitcase slinger, a wanna be writer.. a pawn, but never a king.. I've been up and down and over and out, and I know one thing.. Each time I find myself, flat on my face, I pick myself up and bet back in the race.....

That's life.

By Henry Hallmark Gibson          Foreward by Ole' Blue Eyes.

Love, Victurd

Weebles wobble but Wordle Wardles.....

I ain't never invented anything, but, I am amazed by inventors. (Except Henry Ford, more later).

Yes, Weebles wobble but the inventor was a feller named Strongin.  Wordles Wardle but only because Josh Wardle invented Wordle.  We can either thank him or hate him for that, and some days, I even do both!

Joe Smith invented the Heimlich Maneuver.  JK, it was Frank Maneuver. JK again, it was Henry Judah Heimlich.

The Mason jar.  Hmmm. Mason Williams? Classical gas, er, guess, but no.  Was it one of the many freemasons?  (Who Victor, who are some of the freemasons?)  I'm so glad you asked:  FDR, Harry S for nothing, Andrew Jackson, Benjamin Franklin, Beethoven, Mark Twain, Harry Houdini, Winson Churchill, Arnie Palmer, The Duke John Wayne.  No, tweren't any of them.

Was it Shirley Mason?  Nuh uh, ladies aren't allowed in the Freemasons. Bricklayer masons mebbe, but not the free kind.  Twas actually John Landis Mason in 1858 and he was a tinsmith of all things.   They are hermtically sealed, which, I'm not gonna research, but assume invented by Herman's Hermits.

Bueller?.... Bueller?  Nice try by a nice guy, but no, the Ferris Wheel was invented by George W. G. Ferris as it was to be the spotlight of the 1893 World's Columbian Exposition.  George tried to make it taller than the Eiffel Tower (of course invented by Ethel Mertz) but nope, twasn't.

Of course, the Graham cracker was invented by Graham Nash after he and his live in Joni Mitchell had gone to breakfast and bought an expensive vase on Ventura Boulevard and returned home where their two cats were in the yard.  Wait. I might be confused. No, that's when he wrote Our House.  While their house was a very, very, very fine house, the Graham cracker was invented by Sylvester Graham to combat the blandness of his diet.  Sylvester was married to Marsha Marshmellow, but he booted her out when she gained 40 pounds eating chocolate. S'more on that later. Maybe.

Henry Ford didn't invent the car, but he did mass produce the Model T, named car of the Century in 1999. We should be thankful to Henry for coming up with ideas that are still used today in cars, such as different speed gears, and parking brakes.  I hate Henry Ford. JK, hate is too stronga word.  OK, me no likey Henry Ford because I shoulda been a rich kid as my great-great-grandfather owned the biggest Buggy-making franchise this sidea the Atlantic Ocean.  The Model T, ultimately, put my GGGF (Buggy Schultze) outta business. JK on the Buggy Schultze, I've got his name somewhere in my ancestry file, but, I'm too lazy to go look now.

Men.  You write only about men!  What about us women?  Shirley women invented something didn't they?

But (Victor, you can't start a sentence with 'But').  Butt out.  Madam Curie (you can call me Marie) laid out a theory of radioactivity. She was but 44. She died in a street incident in 1906, see, I toldya I hated, er, disliked Ford.

Do not pass go and do not collect $200 until you know it was Elizabeth Magie that invented Monopoly.  You men suck.  WHY'S THAT?  Because.  BECAUSE WHY?  Well, after Magie patented the game, some dude named Charles Darrow stole the idea, sold it to Parker Brothers, the race car, top hat, thimble, battleship, rubber ducky and all. The Parker Brothers later did track down Magie and offer her $500. HUH!  MEN!

706 people, read that number again, 706 people were saved when the Titanic sank in 1912 due to the fact Maria Beasely invented the first effective lifeboat in 1882.

Women drivers you say? WELL, you can thank a woman driver.  Mary Anderson visited New York City in 1902, rode in a trolly car in falling sleet, and, uh huh, she went home then and there and invented a working model that used a lever inside the car to control a rubber blade on the windshield. Yep, the Windshield Wiper was born, thanks Mary.  She had trouble selling the idea at first, enter cusswords about Ford here, but finally, in 1922, Cadillac included her invention on its vehicles in 1922.  It had to have bugged her it took so long.  Sorry, kinda, I will wipe smirk off face now.

Almost done.

A quick look at inventors/inventions:

Watch - Peter Henlein.......  Electricity - Benjamin Franklin..... Five and Dime - Ben Franklin.... Radio - Guglielmo Marconi (not to be confused with Macaroni inventor Maestro Martino)....

I see the Silhouette (invented by Etienne de Silhouette) of three men who invented the Telescope: Hans Lippershey, Zacharias Janssen and Galileo (Thunderbolts and lightening, very, very, frightening me, Galileo, Galileo, Galileo, Galileo, Galileo, Figaro, Magnificoo!)

Battery - Alessandro Volta (wouldn't ya know it)... Diesel Engine, Breaker 1-9, Rudolf Diesel.. Dynamite - JJ Walker..no, that ain't it.. Alfred Nobel. He shoulda won a prize for inventing that.... Inert Gases  - Charlie Smith, no wait, that ain't it, Charlie sat infronta me in 5th grade, it was actually Sir William Ramsey...

LED - Losev and Holonyak..  LCD - George Heilmeier.. LSD - Albert Hofmann, not Abbie Hoffman.. (I wrote the FDA to make sure they weren't related, didn't know the DNA, I asked them to RSVP, they didn't, so I guess I'm SOL.)

Pasteurization - Louis Pasteur... DNA sequencer - Lloyd Smith... The Quickie - Vic Schultze... 

I Googled "who invented Viagra" and the response was, "British Scientists (drum roll, and I didn't make up these names) Peter Dunn and Albert Wood."

I gotta go. (Who invented the urinal?  Andrew Rankin.  Makes sense.)

By Henry Gibson............. Foreward by The Mothers of Invention

Love, Victurd